"You gotta stop and smell the roses!", like what the heck does that really mean? I never knew. My grandmother had a saying for every moment and every situation. I just ignored most of what she had to say. Things like; "to forgive is human and to forget is divine"...really?. Little treasures like that.
Now in later recovery, later? Hmmm, contented? Hmmmm long?, yeah, long recovery, some of my grandmothers old sayings are starting to actually make sense to me. Like the one; "you gotta stop and smell the roses." I know that roses could only smell in a present moment, certainly not in the past, for I can't be there and not in the future since I am not there yet.
I think that the term "roses" may be a reference to The Divine. The glorious smell of a rose just blooming in the cool morning can bring waves of joy, peace and love to mind quickly. Much the same as those quiet yet dynamic interior thoughts we can have of God or IT. Both actions can foster nearly identical feelings and thoughts. For so many years I would not, not could not, but would not stop long enough to enjoy Life, GOD or any physical beauty around me. Now today in long recovery I am learning that "smelling the roses" is the payoff for all the effort and tribulations of recovery.
In long recovery, and by the way, one does not have to wait for long recovery, "right now" would be a grand time", it is my choice each and every waking moment of just exactly what I want to experience in my daily life. It is through my perception that I "see" what is going on and thus make wise informed choices. Looking to IT for peace, love and joy vice allowing myself to me mired down in my humanity of doubt, worry, expectations and human suffering.
In the very early days of recovery the old timers would look at me and ask me if I thought it was; "all about me?", actually I would answer yes. They reminded me that maybe that was a little egotistical or narcissistic and I should mend my ways. Of course they were right at that time. Life may have evolved to the point where it is all about ME, noting that me is now ME.....not me. The little "me" has given for the most part, not all of it, way to the Higher "ME" and yes recovery is in fact all about "ME".
It seems to come down to the fact that as promised early in recovery that I would be given choices. Today I am afforded the opportunity to choose between racing dangerously around and through fear in life or choosing to take my time and allow the Guide in life to direct my efforts. It truly is in fact "All about ME!".
That means that it is time to close my eyes, open the screen of my imagination and see, smell and experiences in this present moment that I know are manifestations of God or IT in my life today during each "Present Moment". Namaskar'.
Love and Light,
richard aka ezduzit777 on Twitter
Friday, October 28, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
"Hmmmm Honesty or Insanity?"
The question keeps popping up of late; "should I or do I share the contents of my 4th Step with my significant other?" For as many people in recovery there are probably that many answers. Each of us must take responsibility for ALL of our actions, in or out of recovery. I have my own experience and that of two persons I sponsor to share, and yes, I have their explicit permission to share various parts of their story.
First answer, "Yes" for the wrong reason. Circa 1977 a gentleman named Bob P. completed his 4th and 5th step inventory and sharing and then immediately shared a large portion of that process with his wife. At this point his wife became fearful, angry, outraged, vindictive, etc.....you get the idea. I asked him why he would do this and he stated that; "I just thought I needed to be honest with her". I remembered that his wife had not ever known about his escapades during his active addiction and this was a monumental exposure to her. We immediately launched into another 4th step inventory trying to decipher what Bobs real intention or motive was for telling her. He discovered that he really was trying assuage his conscience about his activities and under all his nobleness lie the truth that he wanted to shift the "monkey" to her back. If she balked at his explanation and revelation he could simply claim; "I was just trying to be honest and open.".....we neurotics can be; "...cunning, baffling and powerful". As The Divine would have it, Bobs wife was a psychologist and knew the advantage of using outside professional help. After about 2 years of intense couples counseling with a truly trained counselor, their marriage is more solid than ever and very much "open and honest".
Second answer "Yes" for the right reason. Circa 2001 another sponsee of mine Alice also completed her 4th and 5th step. She inquired of me; "what about disclosure to my significant other?" I asked what her intention and motivation were for disclosing a few sordid details of complete insanity while practicing her addiction? She said that she wanted to not be fearful of being found out and that from this point forward she wanted a open and honest relationship. She then began a process of determining which facts she would share. At the end of this fact finding process she then decided to put herself into counseling with a good well trained couples therapist. Her intent was to try and understand all of her part in this process of the relationship and then work with her significant other in the presence of a trained professional. It worked. Three months of counseling and a request to have her significant other join her and now today they are on steady good ground in their relationship.
It would appear to me that intent and motivation played a large part in both of the above cases. Bobs intent and motivation seemed fear based and selfish while Alice's was a positive effort to be very careful and compassionate with her partners life process. Yes both courses worked. The first answer though was rife and fraught with possible pitfalls and potential disaster. The second answer was based in deep seeded love of herself, her partner and the God of her understanding. This sounds like Alice in fact (which she did) looked forward in the steps a little to steps 8 and 9. She knew that she had to be on solid mental and spiritual ground if she were to discuss this openly and honestly with her partner. Bob on the other hand simply operated out his current fear and took what appears to be the "easier softer way"....but was it?
Obviously there also has to be two no answers, one for the right reason and one for the wrong reason. When this decision is made "in the Sunlight of the Spirit" it usually is pretty straight forward and the way becomes apparent readily. If we make any decision based upon any of our self generated fears we are setting ourselves up for some form of disaster and represents answering no for the wrong reason, self. Honesty is always the best policy in every case.....tempered with loving intent and motivation. So a no for the right reason, at least in the present moment can be a powerful and correct thing. Later after re-establishing a solid emotional and spiritual recovery one may be provided the opportunity to change a no to a yes. After all, the sordid past waited this long what is a few more hours, days, weeks, etc. if the payoff has such a marvelous ending?
My own experience? A combination of the two....and I assure you that saying yes and then seeking the guidance and help of a trained professional was the key to being happy, joyous and free as I am today. I long ago had to come to the realization that my recovery program DID NOT have all the answers and processes need to keep me in balance. I must heed this urging and did seek outside help and today urge all those I know to do the same. We in the recovery programs are not trained in many situations which people need help in. Our text is explicit in urging us to seek outside professionals, so maybe we should.
So just for today my personal lament is; "The doctor is out"!
Love and light
richard
First answer, "Yes" for the wrong reason. Circa 1977 a gentleman named Bob P. completed his 4th and 5th step inventory and sharing and then immediately shared a large portion of that process with his wife. At this point his wife became fearful, angry, outraged, vindictive, etc.....you get the idea. I asked him why he would do this and he stated that; "I just thought I needed to be honest with her". I remembered that his wife had not ever known about his escapades during his active addiction and this was a monumental exposure to her. We immediately launched into another 4th step inventory trying to decipher what Bobs real intention or motive was for telling her. He discovered that he really was trying assuage his conscience about his activities and under all his nobleness lie the truth that he wanted to shift the "monkey" to her back. If she balked at his explanation and revelation he could simply claim; "I was just trying to be honest and open.".....we neurotics can be; "...cunning, baffling and powerful". As The Divine would have it, Bobs wife was a psychologist and knew the advantage of using outside professional help. After about 2 years of intense couples counseling with a truly trained counselor, their marriage is more solid than ever and very much "open and honest".
Second answer "Yes" for the right reason. Circa 2001 another sponsee of mine Alice also completed her 4th and 5th step. She inquired of me; "what about disclosure to my significant other?" I asked what her intention and motivation were for disclosing a few sordid details of complete insanity while practicing her addiction? She said that she wanted to not be fearful of being found out and that from this point forward she wanted a open and honest relationship. She then began a process of determining which facts she would share. At the end of this fact finding process she then decided to put herself into counseling with a good well trained couples therapist. Her intent was to try and understand all of her part in this process of the relationship and then work with her significant other in the presence of a trained professional. It worked. Three months of counseling and a request to have her significant other join her and now today they are on steady good ground in their relationship.
It would appear to me that intent and motivation played a large part in both of the above cases. Bobs intent and motivation seemed fear based and selfish while Alice's was a positive effort to be very careful and compassionate with her partners life process. Yes both courses worked. The first answer though was rife and fraught with possible pitfalls and potential disaster. The second answer was based in deep seeded love of herself, her partner and the God of her understanding. This sounds like Alice in fact (which she did) looked forward in the steps a little to steps 8 and 9. She knew that she had to be on solid mental and spiritual ground if she were to discuss this openly and honestly with her partner. Bob on the other hand simply operated out his current fear and took what appears to be the "easier softer way"....but was it?
Obviously there also has to be two no answers, one for the right reason and one for the wrong reason. When this decision is made "in the Sunlight of the Spirit" it usually is pretty straight forward and the way becomes apparent readily. If we make any decision based upon any of our self generated fears we are setting ourselves up for some form of disaster and represents answering no for the wrong reason, self. Honesty is always the best policy in every case.....tempered with loving intent and motivation. So a no for the right reason, at least in the present moment can be a powerful and correct thing. Later after re-establishing a solid emotional and spiritual recovery one may be provided the opportunity to change a no to a yes. After all, the sordid past waited this long what is a few more hours, days, weeks, etc. if the payoff has such a marvelous ending?
My own experience? A combination of the two....and I assure you that saying yes and then seeking the guidance and help of a trained professional was the key to being happy, joyous and free as I am today. I long ago had to come to the realization that my recovery program DID NOT have all the answers and processes need to keep me in balance. I must heed this urging and did seek outside help and today urge all those I know to do the same. We in the recovery programs are not trained in many situations which people need help in. Our text is explicit in urging us to seek outside professionals, so maybe we should.
So just for today my personal lament is; "The doctor is out"!
Love and light
richard
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Let? Not my usual style to "let" anything happen!
Upon entering recovery for substance abuse I was to find out through repeated personal inventories and living life that I never allowed anything to happen naturally. I always had to push, pull, wheedle, cajole, manipulate or hustle to have things occur as I wanted or needed them to happen. I needed to be in control of my life, always. That way I could also protect myself, I was always vulnerable.
As my knowledge of the recovery process increased and in particular the Big Book the thoughts on page 68, I became aware that I needed to learn how to "let go, let happen, let God" just "let". This was going to a monumental effort on my part for I never had allowed myself to be part of the "streaming consciousness" of life. Page 68 holds the words; "...let God demonstrate through us that which He is capable of."
This means I have to give it up....let go and let God...let all things happen naturally. Easier said than done I think. Of course I now find out this concept of "letting God" was the tip of the iceberg again in my life. This concept is now part of my life operating system today. For example: I understand in consciousness that I Am a manifestation of the Spirit of Life or God as I understand IT/HIM/HER. This means that I should learn to "just be", not do, "just be".
I do not have to try nor work to change what IT creates in each and every present moment. My task in Life is to improve and maintain "a conscious contact with God as I understand HIM". I am supposed to "...let HIM demonstrate..." through me. I Am supposed to be pro-active in allowing the Divine Essence of Me to be that which all see and experience each present moment of Life.
Each time I think or say "I must work at ___" I must be once again trying to do Gods job. All things great and small are manifest of IT. I just need to get out of the way and "let HIM demonstrate...". The idea for me today seems to be "relax", "be silent", "let go", etc. This does not in any manner absolve me of my responsibility to "shuffle my feet" and do what I need to do to get out of the way and let HIM use me to accomplish that which IT needs to by demonstrating through me.
Just Be! Such a sweet easy process. Quiet down, retreat, meditate, go in, sit in the silence or Hold the High Watch are all examples of that which I should be doing each moment of Life. I have had long periods of total spiritual bliss by allowing HIM to demonstrate through me. Conversely I have had horrendous moments when I have decided I needed to be in total control of my life. Not a fun thing to do. Usually quite painful in some manner. I know today the "easier softer way" is the right way..."let HIM demonstrate through Us that which He is capable of doing."
Om mane padme hum, om mane padme hum, om mane padme hum, excuse me but it is time for me to relax....om mane padme hummmmm.
Love and light,
richard
As my knowledge of the recovery process increased and in particular the Big Book the thoughts on page 68, I became aware that I needed to learn how to "let go, let happen, let God" just "let". This was going to a monumental effort on my part for I never had allowed myself to be part of the "streaming consciousness" of life. Page 68 holds the words; "...let God demonstrate through us that which He is capable of."
This means I have to give it up....let go and let God...let all things happen naturally. Easier said than done I think. Of course I now find out this concept of "letting God" was the tip of the iceberg again in my life. This concept is now part of my life operating system today. For example: I understand in consciousness that I Am a manifestation of the Spirit of Life or God as I understand IT/HIM/HER. This means that I should learn to "just be", not do, "just be".
I do not have to try nor work to change what IT creates in each and every present moment. My task in Life is to improve and maintain "a conscious contact with God as I understand HIM". I am supposed to "...let HIM demonstrate..." through me. I Am supposed to be pro-active in allowing the Divine Essence of Me to be that which all see and experience each present moment of Life.
Each time I think or say "I must work at ___" I must be once again trying to do Gods job. All things great and small are manifest of IT. I just need to get out of the way and "let HIM demonstrate...". The idea for me today seems to be "relax", "be silent", "let go", etc. This does not in any manner absolve me of my responsibility to "shuffle my feet" and do what I need to do to get out of the way and let HIM use me to accomplish that which IT needs to by demonstrating through me.
Just Be! Such a sweet easy process. Quiet down, retreat, meditate, go in, sit in the silence or Hold the High Watch are all examples of that which I should be doing each moment of Life. I have had long periods of total spiritual bliss by allowing HIM to demonstrate through me. Conversely I have had horrendous moments when I have decided I needed to be in total control of my life. Not a fun thing to do. Usually quite painful in some manner. I know today the "easier softer way" is the right way..."let HIM demonstrate through Us that which He is capable of doing."
Om mane padme hum, om mane padme hum, om mane padme hum, excuse me but it is time for me to relax....om mane padme hummmmm.
Love and light,
richard
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
"Congruous? Sounds difficult to me!"
When entering into recovery, I slowly, very slowly had to deal with the fact that I had become a chameleon in life. Whatever it took in the present moment I would be. If life seemed like it wanted me to lie, I did. If life required me to stroke your ego, I did. No matter how badly I had to prostitute my morals or good character, I did what it took for me to survive. I actually had no moral compass nor had any clue which way morality lie. I was an empty shell of humanity existing at a human level and nothing else.
It was excruciating to have to admit I was not only "...powerless..." over anything, for I was of course a US Navy Chief Petty Officer. Powerless? Not in my vocabulary. Of course initially I was focused on "things" outside I might be "powerless" over. You people who knew what recovery was all about for you were living it, understood that I needed to realize I was "powerless over" that which caused my "powerlessness". My substance abuse was but a "...symptom of underlying problems". All those problems and symptoms were within, not without. I did not want to hear I, the inside of me was the problem. That meant I was inferior to my contemporaries, which at that time were in the "drunk tank" of life with me.
I was to find out that the phrase; "as within, so without..." was going to become a mantra in life for me. At first glance I did not understand it, then I fought it, then I ignored it. Seemed like the right thing to do at the time. The concept that something within me was going to dictate what was around me frankly just went over my head. What? For such a self thought smart guy I really was not that hip on what made me tick. Oh? God? Remember I had not even yet begun to reconcile that idea. There came the rub with this; "as within so without". Without a source or force to call upon to create my own reality, how could I? Ahhh, the beginning of understanding how I was powerless over everything within me for I had learned to operate from the wrong source within me. Get the right "source" and get well.
So here I was at the beginning of recovery just a solid mess of questions, fears, moral ills and unable to completely turn my life around. Completely? Who said I had to completely at the very first cut, had to change my life totally and completely? Of course I had said that to myself. Wrong. You ladies and gentleman urged me to accomplish one day at a time and one thought and idea at a time. You urged me to consider that the spiritual principles underlying the 12 steps would enable me to not only see the correct path to recovery of my "inside", they would provide the mechanics and build the want or desire to accomplish this life changing feat. Well now, good solid direction!
Day by day I began to look inward and realize that I was a mess. I was not able at any juncture to "walk my talk" more than a portion of an hour or day at the beginning. My entire existence had been fabricated on lies and untruths about myself and all of life which included you, humanity. I was a basket case of recovering emotions and spirituality for the first nearly 12 years of recovery. One day I was in tune, the next day out of balance. One year up, up, and away Superman of service and love for my fellow humanity and the next "Lucifer" himself. Around 20 years of working at this thing called emotional recovery leading to spiritual growth things started making sense. I began to be entirely honest with me and you. I began to understand what made me hip, slick and cool on the inside. It was of course the explosion of "light" I had seen in so many of you. I was beginning to sense, feel and pay attention to my own "light" and the source of that light was God as I understand "IT".
For the next 17 years of recovery I was called upon to starting an interior house cleaning process that would rival all others I had done. I would also have to become my own "observer" in life. I watched what I said. I became sensitive to what I was doing. I felt for my fellow human on a level I never knew existed. I was on "The Way" as they used say in the first days of my fellowship of recovery. I was beginning to live in balance. I was actually becoming "well" on a human level and on an interior basis. Recovery and beyond were my thoughts.
What does any of that have to do with today? I have determined from my own actions that all of this step stuff and recovery stuff leads me to a congruous or harmonious life. That would be harmony between the inner and outer worlds. I know that "I Am" in control of my Reality. I find only "I" can keep my Self in Harmony between "Heaven (inner) and Earth (outer). Of course all this occurs one breath, one moment, one minute, one hour, one day, one....etc. at a time. I need to be ever vigilante of my thoughts and actions that they are being congruous with the rest of Life. Congruous? My definition would differ from all the dictionary's in that I would call it "my perception" as view through the filters of "IT", the God of my understanding.
Suffering from a "progressive illness" reminds me that as quickly as I grow in "the Sunlight of the Spirit" my illness keeps pace. At an unconscious level both "IT" and my illness function, today it is my choice to give power to "IT" as opposed to my illness. That is the choice I was promised so many years ago and remains true today.
Love and Light,
richard
aka ezduzit777 on Twitter and
Richard Curtis on Facebook
It was excruciating to have to admit I was not only "...powerless..." over anything, for I was of course a US Navy Chief Petty Officer. Powerless? Not in my vocabulary. Of course initially I was focused on "things" outside I might be "powerless" over. You people who knew what recovery was all about for you were living it, understood that I needed to realize I was "powerless over" that which caused my "powerlessness". My substance abuse was but a "...symptom of underlying problems". All those problems and symptoms were within, not without. I did not want to hear I, the inside of me was the problem. That meant I was inferior to my contemporaries, which at that time were in the "drunk tank" of life with me.
I was to find out that the phrase; "as within, so without..." was going to become a mantra in life for me. At first glance I did not understand it, then I fought it, then I ignored it. Seemed like the right thing to do at the time. The concept that something within me was going to dictate what was around me frankly just went over my head. What? For such a self thought smart guy I really was not that hip on what made me tick. Oh? God? Remember I had not even yet begun to reconcile that idea. There came the rub with this; "as within so without". Without a source or force to call upon to create my own reality, how could I? Ahhh, the beginning of understanding how I was powerless over everything within me for I had learned to operate from the wrong source within me. Get the right "source" and get well.
So here I was at the beginning of recovery just a solid mess of questions, fears, moral ills and unable to completely turn my life around. Completely? Who said I had to completely at the very first cut, had to change my life totally and completely? Of course I had said that to myself. Wrong. You ladies and gentleman urged me to accomplish one day at a time and one thought and idea at a time. You urged me to consider that the spiritual principles underlying the 12 steps would enable me to not only see the correct path to recovery of my "inside", they would provide the mechanics and build the want or desire to accomplish this life changing feat. Well now, good solid direction!
Day by day I began to look inward and realize that I was a mess. I was not able at any juncture to "walk my talk" more than a portion of an hour or day at the beginning. My entire existence had been fabricated on lies and untruths about myself and all of life which included you, humanity. I was a basket case of recovering emotions and spirituality for the first nearly 12 years of recovery. One day I was in tune, the next day out of balance. One year up, up, and away Superman of service and love for my fellow humanity and the next "Lucifer" himself. Around 20 years of working at this thing called emotional recovery leading to spiritual growth things started making sense. I began to be entirely honest with me and you. I began to understand what made me hip, slick and cool on the inside. It was of course the explosion of "light" I had seen in so many of you. I was beginning to sense, feel and pay attention to my own "light" and the source of that light was God as I understand "IT".
For the next 17 years of recovery I was called upon to starting an interior house cleaning process that would rival all others I had done. I would also have to become my own "observer" in life. I watched what I said. I became sensitive to what I was doing. I felt for my fellow human on a level I never knew existed. I was on "The Way" as they used say in the first days of my fellowship of recovery. I was beginning to live in balance. I was actually becoming "well" on a human level and on an interior basis. Recovery and beyond were my thoughts.
What does any of that have to do with today? I have determined from my own actions that all of this step stuff and recovery stuff leads me to a congruous or harmonious life. That would be harmony between the inner and outer worlds. I know that "I Am" in control of my Reality. I find only "I" can keep my Self in Harmony between "Heaven (inner) and Earth (outer). Of course all this occurs one breath, one moment, one minute, one hour, one day, one....etc. at a time. I need to be ever vigilante of my thoughts and actions that they are being congruous with the rest of Life. Congruous? My definition would differ from all the dictionary's in that I would call it "my perception" as view through the filters of "IT", the God of my understanding.
Suffering from a "progressive illness" reminds me that as quickly as I grow in "the Sunlight of the Spirit" my illness keeps pace. At an unconscious level both "IT" and my illness function, today it is my choice to give power to "IT" as opposed to my illness. That is the choice I was promised so many years ago and remains true today.
Love and Light,
richard
aka ezduzit777 on Twitter and
Richard Curtis on Facebook
Thursday, August 11, 2011
"Enabling? Me? Hmmm I don't think so!"
When I first came to recovery my family and in particular my spouse were exposed to the philosophy of "do not enable" the sick person. Certainly love, comfort and care for, just don't enable them. Do not make it easy or easier to continue to be sick. In my case, they needed to quit making excuses for me, they needed to consider helping themselves if I did not respond to treatment and they needed to lay the results of my terrible thinking in my lap where it belonged. They needed to quit being some of my excuses.
This process was entirely foreign to them and it totally baffled me. I really did not understand nor did I like what they were being encouraged and taught to do. I kind of didn't really want some of my "support base" eroded just in case things didn't go the right way. Selfish? Oh yeah. Of course this is the period of time I really had a lot on my plate of life trying to get me recovered in some form of fashion.
Now some years later I have been thrust into situations where I need to learn to "stop enabling" others and figure out I am powerless even yet in another area of my thinking. Since I was not part of the "stop enabling" training some decades ago, I now find myself asking me if I am being an enabler? Do I do the wrong things try to help and be right for other people? Do I act our of emotionality rather than positive loving support? These are questions I am sorting out with the advice and counsel of those that are in the "know" They would be the people who been through these processes and came out the other side in very good emotional and spiritual shape. They are my trusted advisers either in or out of the recovery circles. My recovery program has always been quick to point me in the direction of outside help with no hesitation of using "outside sources". There are some very smart people out there that I could use their expertise.
It seems that this process of "not enabling" is far more intricate and vast than I ever thought. How I must have acted and sounded in early recovery when those around me were trying to get it right. I was very much ignorant of the process and requirements for the process. Now I am in the process and somewhat lost. My literature tells me; "...at some of these we balked." I must admit I may not be approaching this with a "fearless" attitude. Seems that this whole idea may just be one of the areas I need to grow in. The deep seeded want and need to help my loved ones in a positive and helpful manner. Not necessarily in "my manner". This would be a much simpler task if substance abuse was part of the situation. It is not. I am well versed in that process. I need to know how to stop this enabling. It seems that is what I am doing without a structured program. Kind of ad hoc. That is why the outside help is being sought.
"More will be revealed." I sure hope so. I am planning on it. I have decided to let God win this race. "IT" is certainly infinitely more well equipped for this task than I am; "and I think I will let Him/Her/IT."
The fruits of my labors now will become apparent in future blog items. One will be able to determine just where I am in this quest for help and direction.
Love and Light,
richard
aka ezduzit777 on twitter
This process was entirely foreign to them and it totally baffled me. I really did not understand nor did I like what they were being encouraged and taught to do. I kind of didn't really want some of my "support base" eroded just in case things didn't go the right way. Selfish? Oh yeah. Of course this is the period of time I really had a lot on my plate of life trying to get me recovered in some form of fashion.
Now some years later I have been thrust into situations where I need to learn to "stop enabling" others and figure out I am powerless even yet in another area of my thinking. Since I was not part of the "stop enabling" training some decades ago, I now find myself asking me if I am being an enabler? Do I do the wrong things try to help and be right for other people? Do I act our of emotionality rather than positive loving support? These are questions I am sorting out with the advice and counsel of those that are in the "know" They would be the people who been through these processes and came out the other side in very good emotional and spiritual shape. They are my trusted advisers either in or out of the recovery circles. My recovery program has always been quick to point me in the direction of outside help with no hesitation of using "outside sources". There are some very smart people out there that I could use their expertise.
It seems that this process of "not enabling" is far more intricate and vast than I ever thought. How I must have acted and sounded in early recovery when those around me were trying to get it right. I was very much ignorant of the process and requirements for the process. Now I am in the process and somewhat lost. My literature tells me; "...at some of these we balked." I must admit I may not be approaching this with a "fearless" attitude. Seems that this whole idea may just be one of the areas I need to grow in. The deep seeded want and need to help my loved ones in a positive and helpful manner. Not necessarily in "my manner". This would be a much simpler task if substance abuse was part of the situation. It is not. I am well versed in that process. I need to know how to stop this enabling. It seems that is what I am doing without a structured program. Kind of ad hoc. That is why the outside help is being sought.
"More will be revealed." I sure hope so. I am planning on it. I have decided to let God win this race. "IT" is certainly infinitely more well equipped for this task than I am; "and I think I will let Him/Her/IT."
The fruits of my labors now will become apparent in future blog items. One will be able to determine just where I am in this quest for help and direction.
Love and Light,
richard
aka ezduzit777 on twitter
Friday, July 22, 2011
This word "but" can be a real killer !
How many times have I made a powerful personal statement only to find out I completely negated it with the word "but"? This word seems to pervade the human vocabulary at the wrong times, at least never at the right times for me. When I came to recovery I never once considered that I truly may grow up, mature and think of others. This process has really had a profound impact on my use of this word "but".
One of the best examples I can think of is when someone very close and loving to you says; "I love you, but...." But? So I thought I heard; "I love you" as in totally unconditional acceptance, tolerance, happiness, joy, love and then got stopped cold in my tracks with "but". I guess I really heard; "I almost and just maybe love you....however there are some areas which I hold in reserve....blah blah blah". so it appears that this word ?but" can be a killer in some instances.....well most.
Gosh, I wonder if I do this with that Power Greater than Myself? Would I? Probably not on purpose, well probably. I actually can think of sometimes in my life when I said things to myself like; "I really don't need God interfering right now, I have things under control". Very dangerous practice it seems. Also a mite stupid as I think about it now. I am now hearing in my head; "say what you mean and mean what you say!". Why is it those old cliches come back at the wrong times? Every time my grandmother uttered yet another prophetic saying I would cringe. I just knew that I would hear it in my ears somewhere in the future at the right but wrong time.
I have been reminded many times by my mentors in recovery and in Unity, my spiritual choice of practice these days www.unity.org that the word "but" may just mean "a human opinion to follow". Similar to; "Yes I know you are totally correct, but...." just fill in the blank with a judgement, opinion or something I really shouldn't say. It seems somewhere along the life path my ego decided it needed to be right either all or at least most of the time. There are moments when that is still true. By listening for and to that "still small voice inside me", I can become aware more quickly and take actions as necessary to defeat that process. Again a process that I never in a million years would have thought I would cultivate back when life changed for me so drastically.
Back to "but". It seems that by listening to and hearing others use the word I am becoming more and more attuned to how I do not want to be. I truly want to say to those I love; "I love you" and have that mean 100% without reservation. I truly want to say to God as I understand IT/Him/Her; "I trust in you" and again have that mean totally without hesitation or second thoughts. This takes practice, this takes awareness, this takes honesty. Those are qualities I did not come to this way of life with. Maybe I possessed them innately, I really did not consciously practice any of them in my way of life.
So, these days if I want to live a congruous life, one which is in consonance with all that I think I should be doing, I have decided like a few other words need to get lost out of my vocabulary. Words such as; "hate, never and of course but". It just seems that these absolutely negative words have no valid purpose at all in my life. I feel certain that those in my life would agree that they prefer to hear me speak in the most positive terms possible and not have to consider whether I am being completely or totally honest. I know it certainly makes life much more simpler and in fact easier for me.
It now seems that in my life today "the easier softer way" is in fact "The Way", The Way of Truth.
Love and Light
richard
aka ezduzit777 on twitter
It now seems that in my life today "the easier softer way" is in fact "The Way", The Way of Truth.
Love and Light
richard
aka ezduzit777 on twitter
Friday, July 15, 2011
"The road to hell or how IT happens"
So in the beginning, I like most all others in a recovery program struggled with how do I get well? The program was truly the easier softer way. Stop the addictive process, clean house, find God and love myself. Fairly straight forward and easier than staying in my addiction.
My mentors in recovery explained to me that I would once again return to my addiction in the reverse fashion of getting recovered. So for years I have been watching people around me in the Fellowship and noticing what they were doing or not doing. I wanted to know what it was like to go "back out" without having to actually do it. Over the years I have in fact seen people develop certain behaviors that were indicative of "heading down the path".
Spiritual pride seems to head the list. That feeling that they were invincible and that as emissaries of God they could do no wrong and that in fact their Higher Power had sanctioned all they said and did. Seemed like that was the first noticeable trait. This behavior was closely associated with the direct opposite or spiritual bankruptcy. Many of the people who did "road work" for me, also had a complete loss of faith. They just quit believing or seemed to be able to argue that HP did not work, at least for them.
As these observable behaviors started manifesting in my friends, I also noticed a definite and pronounced lack of "program activity". For example they cut down on meetings, not calling people in home group, not communicating with mentors, not willing to give people rides to meetings. This withdrawal from the "healing source" which is the support of HP through many, appears to be the most damaging behavior. Once my friends had gotten to this point they had shut themselves off from all help both divine and human. They no longer felt "the son-light of the Spirit". The darkness of illness began to be the most prevalent feelings for them by now. It appears that as they became more and more ill with their particular illness, the more and more they moved away from the aid of HP and all those that loved them. Doomed is the word they used to describe this phase of relapse.
This process was a serious eye opening experience for me. I vividly remember the first time one of my home group members picked up her own personal "poison" after 23 years of recovery. I was flabbergasted. I could not comprehend this occurrence. Actually I think I finally got the message very deep within me for the very first time. "This is what happens when you don't stay in recovery". I was sad for her family and I was very much brought to a new awareness of the overall healing process. I also remember vividly, the FIRST time one of my mentors aka sponsor, looked at me over coffee and said something like; "you my dear friend are on the road to hell". In an instant all that I had studied in others and tried to keep in my conscious thinking flooded my mind. Yes, he was right, I was on the road to hell and actually knew it.
The final step for these beloved members of my home group was to begin to lash out and retreat when met or spoken to by their friends and peers. I remember one man I sponsored and I dearly loved actually drove to my home and told me to lose his telephone number since he was just fine and did not need my help. I was heart broken, for I knew what was going to be the next big event in his life. I just knew it. Yes, he decided 4 days later to end his life, and did. Why could I not have helped? What could I have done? My mentors reminded me that I was not in charge of the Universe and must as best as possible accept the will of the Divine. Hmmmmm, took a while for me to reconcile that one.
So, what are the lessons learned here? I think two fold. One is that I have seen over and over what the process of becoming sick once again looks like. I have watched and participated in many recoveries and many returns to illness. I have studied, cataloged and written to memory what the signs look like. Secondly, I have had to come to the awareness that as a rule, I of my own abilities am "Powerless" to stop this "road to hell" process. I can certainly interact, warn, notify and then must sit and watch the Universe do what it knows best. It is not up to me to make the person well. It is up to me to be there if the person ever decides to get well.
I am aware today that all the above thoughts and ideas certainly fit well and are appropriate for those persons suffering from some form of addictive substance or. I am also very much aware that the thoughts and ideas also seem to fit reasonably well with some persons that while not addicted to a substance, they are indeed suffering from some form of neurosis. The recovery process is nearly the same and the return to "insanity" also seems to fit well.
So I have had to listen to that old cliche founded in scripture; "physician heal thyself" many many times in my head. In the time I have been hanging around recovery circles I have had 3 very serious brushes with the "road to hell" concept. I have stood at the brink of doom and had to remind myself that I had the knowledge of how to stop my relapse. In that instant all that is holy and divine became evident to me and I did the next right thing. If you want to know what it is I did, leave me comment and ask me. :)
Love and Light,
richard
aka ezduzit777 on twitter
also on Facebook
My mentors in recovery explained to me that I would once again return to my addiction in the reverse fashion of getting recovered. So for years I have been watching people around me in the Fellowship and noticing what they were doing or not doing. I wanted to know what it was like to go "back out" without having to actually do it. Over the years I have in fact seen people develop certain behaviors that were indicative of "heading down the path".
Spiritual pride seems to head the list. That feeling that they were invincible and that as emissaries of God they could do no wrong and that in fact their Higher Power had sanctioned all they said and did. Seemed like that was the first noticeable trait. This behavior was closely associated with the direct opposite or spiritual bankruptcy. Many of the people who did "road work" for me, also had a complete loss of faith. They just quit believing or seemed to be able to argue that HP did not work, at least for them.
As these observable behaviors started manifesting in my friends, I also noticed a definite and pronounced lack of "program activity". For example they cut down on meetings, not calling people in home group, not communicating with mentors, not willing to give people rides to meetings. This withdrawal from the "healing source" which is the support of HP through many, appears to be the most damaging behavior. Once my friends had gotten to this point they had shut themselves off from all help both divine and human. They no longer felt "the son-light of the Spirit". The darkness of illness began to be the most prevalent feelings for them by now. It appears that as they became more and more ill with their particular illness, the more and more they moved away from the aid of HP and all those that loved them. Doomed is the word they used to describe this phase of relapse.
This process was a serious eye opening experience for me. I vividly remember the first time one of my home group members picked up her own personal "poison" after 23 years of recovery. I was flabbergasted. I could not comprehend this occurrence. Actually I think I finally got the message very deep within me for the very first time. "This is what happens when you don't stay in recovery". I was sad for her family and I was very much brought to a new awareness of the overall healing process. I also remember vividly, the FIRST time one of my mentors aka sponsor, looked at me over coffee and said something like; "you my dear friend are on the road to hell". In an instant all that I had studied in others and tried to keep in my conscious thinking flooded my mind. Yes, he was right, I was on the road to hell and actually knew it.
The final step for these beloved members of my home group was to begin to lash out and retreat when met or spoken to by their friends and peers. I remember one man I sponsored and I dearly loved actually drove to my home and told me to lose his telephone number since he was just fine and did not need my help. I was heart broken, for I knew what was going to be the next big event in his life. I just knew it. Yes, he decided 4 days later to end his life, and did. Why could I not have helped? What could I have done? My mentors reminded me that I was not in charge of the Universe and must as best as possible accept the will of the Divine. Hmmmmm, took a while for me to reconcile that one.
So, what are the lessons learned here? I think two fold. One is that I have seen over and over what the process of becoming sick once again looks like. I have watched and participated in many recoveries and many returns to illness. I have studied, cataloged and written to memory what the signs look like. Secondly, I have had to come to the awareness that as a rule, I of my own abilities am "Powerless" to stop this "road to hell" process. I can certainly interact, warn, notify and then must sit and watch the Universe do what it knows best. It is not up to me to make the person well. It is up to me to be there if the person ever decides to get well.
I am aware today that all the above thoughts and ideas certainly fit well and are appropriate for those persons suffering from some form of addictive substance or. I am also very much aware that the thoughts and ideas also seem to fit reasonably well with some persons that while not addicted to a substance, they are indeed suffering from some form of neurosis. The recovery process is nearly the same and the return to "insanity" also seems to fit well.
So I have had to listen to that old cliche founded in scripture; "physician heal thyself" many many times in my head. In the time I have been hanging around recovery circles I have had 3 very serious brushes with the "road to hell" concept. I have stood at the brink of doom and had to remind myself that I had the knowledge of how to stop my relapse. In that instant all that is holy and divine became evident to me and I did the next right thing. If you want to know what it is I did, leave me comment and ask me. :)
Love and Light,
richard
aka ezduzit777 on twitter
also on Facebook
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