Black and White or Shades of Gray?

   In past months I have been trying to bring a few trains of thinking together as one.  I mean, well isn't it good to be of "one Mind"?  For some reason this molding of thoughts is just not working.

    I have that train of thinking which I endeavor to stay in while acting within the constraints of "my program" aka.  "The Program".  That set of thinking has evolved to be pretty much black and white.  I either do or I don't.  I either drink or I don't.  I either believe in God or I don't.  I either love or I don't.
I either am or I am not.  Yup, pretty much black and white.  Mind you, this style of thinking at times is really not easy given a present moment.

    For example; I think, feel and express love for my loved ones.  There is no doubt in my collective thinking that I do not love them  Given emotional make-up or life circumstances in a moment I have had thoughts of less that "pure love".  It usually is something like; "grrrrrrrrrrrr "They...".  Love DOES NOT think like that.  A neurotic dis-eased human can though.  Black and white?  Nope.  Several shades of gray in all that thinking.

   The thinking that goes along with my teaching of taichi or qi gong should also be black and white.  Either I am dealing in "my energy" or I am not.  This can be such a trap for me.  While teaching am I into my energy or assessing (aka. judging others) efforts?  Dangerous thinking for a recovering neurotic of my flavor.  A set of thinking I really make and effort to stay away from.  I teach, they learn.  That's it.  They learn right or they learn wrong.  For me that works.

    While putting together the thoughts for this blog item it came to me that "black and white" thinking really is possible.  The trick is for me to stay firmly and fondly fixed in the Present Moment.  There can only be one thought in one moment at one time.  While the brain is so fast I am still dealing in a single event or a single Present Moment.

    Today at my Home Group we read a passage from "Around the Year" by Dr. Emmet Fox that spoke of; "...be ye therefore perfect as your Father in heaven is...".  I came to understand that this can occur in ONLY once instance, a Present Moment.  When I am in "constant contact" with God on a given moments basis, I am indeed "Perfect" spiritually and yessss, indeed into single thinking of a black and white nature.

    God is...I Am.  Two thoughts which are in balance and just for me represent the best of single mind or "black and white" thinking.  I don't really need to reformat my trains of thinking, just pay attention to the present moment and go with "what comes naturally".

    What say you readers?

Love and light

richard

So just how do I know...?

     In my quest for living a healthy life through 12 Steps I have at times had to make some serious, adult, downright scary decisions.  Not for the feint at heart type of decisions.  Most of the time I can make the decision based on based occurrences or possibly counsel with others that know of my problem.  The hard part for me is what follows that decision.  How do I know I made or am making the right decision?

     Almost always my doubting my decision comes down to believing more in myself than the Higher Self of Me.  The little "me" has a lack confidence many times.  The "Higher Me" seems always to be confident.  It seems that I should take the "Higher Self" into all thought processes, especially those that involve decisions.

     I have satisfactorily demonstrated to myself that when I take the time and make the effort to get quiet or "still" and look inside of me for the Power Within, that  I most always hear exactly what I need to live life and make sound logical decisions.  Getting quiet or meditating is absolutely essential to the process.

     I call this entire process the "knowing" process.  I cannot just live on the idea of thinking, believing, having faith or guessing what life is about.  I do best when I "know" what "Life" is doing in my life.  My best guidance for this comes from the Old testament; "be still and know I Am is God" says the poet and Psalmist.  Be still or be quiet has been the spiritual answer throughout the ages and is apropos now.

     I can accomplish this stillness and confidence building process through many means such as meditation, prayer or writing.  When  I do follow this process it is amazing what confidence and strength I am rewarded with.  It is also amazing at what depth of thinking and realization comes during this quieting process.

     In this quieting mode of life I begin to know and accept what is manifesting in my thought world.  A simple act of quietness allows me to "know" just "know" what is correct and right.  "Knowing" is a deeper more profound feeling than a simple awareness of right or wrong.  Knowing is at the depth of soul the very heart of me.  It is the very essence of me becoming One with the One.  That is where good, sound decisions are made for me.  I know this to be true.

Love and light,

richard

From; "The book of Chester, sacred text"

"The Knowing"

: The knowing is not the thoughts :
: The knowing is not the feelings :
: The knowing is not the body :
: The knowing is not the mind :
: :
: The knowing is found beyond the thoughts :
: The knowing is found without the feelings :
: The knowing continues when the body does not :
: The knowing trancends the mind :
: :
: The knowing is found within :
: The knowing is sometimes forgotten :
: The knowing is never gone :
: The knowing is for you to find :
: :
: The knowing is what you are :
: The knowing is where you have been :
: The knowing is where you are going :: The knowing is knowing you know :



   

Cold water; oh yeah I dislike it, but...

     While at the beach (Gulf of Mexico), I had the opportunity to "spit" in the face of an old "fear"; of cold water.  I know, that sounds just a little nuts of which many think of me that way already.

     The story; as a child my father tried to teach me and my brother to swim by throwing us out of a rowboat and letting us catch the boat.  Oh my my my!  That was some really cold water.  Oh, did I say the body of water was Lake Erie?  Yeah, really cooooooooooool aka. cold water.

     Next part of the story moves to various hospitals.  Always Catholic hospitals.  As a sickly child I ended up with numerous trips to the hospital for pneumonia or severe allergic reactions.  The nuns always had the idea that an ice bath followed by a hot shower would break a fever.  What it broke was my love for nuns.  It also helped me foster the intense dislike to cold water...especially after a hot shower.

     The final part of this saga is a father who would drag me off to the "Y" to swim with him...freezing cold water in the pool.  Nope, not me.  Into the hot showers I would go and camp out.  I got scolded severely and decided again I did not like cold water of any kind.

     Any time I can face and understand a fear in the past, I open myself up to the potential of ridding myself of that fear.  Just for today I did just that.

     When I arrived at the beach I knew the water temperature was cool....no cold.  It was approximately 61 degrees Fahrenheit.  I love being in the Gulf of Mexico so very much I made up my mind instantly that I would be in that water.  It is also the only body of water I can float in...  A body fat content of -1 doesn't let me float normally.

     As soon as I had laid down my towel I made sure the camera was rolling and I veritably ran head first into the water.  Guess what?  I still don't like cold water!!!
I did roll around.  I did laugh manically.  I did wave at the camera.  (The video is posted below)  I did resolve my fear of cold water.  I will now proceed with a profound respect for cold water.

     I am looking deep within for more old leftover fears that I can confront.  Maybe  I will take on oh...who knows.

Love and light
richard

   

   

"When does change stop?"

    Over the last decades I have often wondered if life would ever settle down to the point that it would become steady, non-changing.  I have now formed the opinion that, "nope, ain't gonna happen".

     The largest reason I can seem to come up with is that I have decided for me, and only me, that God, God as I understand "IT" is; omnipresent, omniscient, omniactive and omnipotent.  That means, IT always is and always will be in each and every present moment.

     That leads me to the conclusion that God, IT, represents constant change and is always present, active, powerful and intelligent.  So change must be in process over all moments of time.  At the cellular level I am certainly an evolving changing entity.

     It now reasons out that change is "all good" since it is representative of IT and IT is always all good.  That also leads me to think that when I start looking for a "quiet or non-changing" period that I am in the midst of some form of life disturbance.  Rather than working my through that I simply try to by-pass the effort and just look for "no change", quietness.

     All this thinking on change also brings me to the conclusion that I live deep within the "illusion", more than I suspected ever.  This may need some critical thinking on my part....hmmm critical thinking...always changing, ever evolving?

     This is where I get off this merry go round.  Any thoughts ?  Ideas?  Comments?

Love and Light
richard


   

So how long does a "slip" last?

     To answer the question posed in the title of this piece, one would have to do some defining of terms I think.

      "Slip"; have no idea what this really means.  The common definition is; the accidental returning to drinking/addiction by a person who has been abstinent from their addiction.  I am not sure how one could accidentally fall (slip) back. It seems to me it is a premeditated act.  I never once in my life drank a drink and looked at the drink and said; "Oh gosh I slipped and drank!".  If I ever drank it would be on purpose and with a vengeance.

      "Drink"; while most would interpret this word as a container of some form of liquid which contained ETOH or ethyl alcohol, I would rather use the definition set up in "The Little Red Book".  That definition characterizes a drink as a negative emotion such as; anger, jealousy, sloth, etc.  I think this is the genesis of a physical "slip", I think.  The thought precedes the deed.

     So, now to the question posed.  How long does a slip last?  Hmmm.  How long does a thought last?  If the "slip" is in fact began by a thought, then I guess the "slip" lasts as long as the thought.  So maybe when the thought is held in mind for any period of time from now to infinity, that defines the period of the "slip".

     By now many readers are asking themselves; "who cares?", "what is he writing about?", or any other neurotic questions we all ask ourselves.  Here is the reason I have for writing this.

     Over the decades of recovery I have seen myself grow into a person who still in fact has aberrations of the mind, aka. "stinkin thinkin".  I also have moments of brilliant negative thinking.  Yet today the amount of time spent in that negative thinking has been reduced dramatically.  I don't seem to hold these thoughts as long as I did in the past.  I try to do whatever I have been taught to negate these thoughts and move along in life.

     The whatever procedures to break these thought patterns could be; telephoning someone and sharing my thoughts with them, meditating, writing, abandoning myself to God...".  It appears that I have the free will choice to hold negative thoughts just about as long as I want to.

     The answer to the question seems to come out as; as long as I want it (slip) to last, that is how long it will be.  Being conscious and having free will can  make me become very responsible, even when I don't want to be.

     In the recent past  I awoke with some very confusing dark thinking.  It did not feel good and I did not like it.  I also had no idea how to rid myself of if.  I tried all of my "tricks" and became even more confused and disturbed.  I then remembered the sage advice of a friend and immediately shared my thinking with the person the thoughts were of.  In no time flat, "lickety split" my thinking was repaired by the Truth and that Truth set me free.  End of slip.  Elapsed time: 1.2 hours.  Could have been quicker had I had easy access to my friend.

     In the future I must remember this process if I wish to live life; "Happy, joyous and free".  It all comes down to; "a slip is a thought which originates in my mind and I choose to keep it there and act upon it".  Of course this leads to another discussion of; "am I responsible for my actions".  oh oh time to end this writing, I think.

Love and light,
richard

40 Years of not drinking, so what?

   Well now, after so many years of not drinking and going to meetings, etc. etc. etc., one would think most of life would have been figured out.  Ahhhhh yeah, sure.

   So in the last 60 days my life has been turned upside down by circumstances beyond my control, at least I think they are.  I am back in therapy, read psych here and I find out I have issues that I don't even know what they are.

   I assure you I have not been loafing for these past 4 decades, I been doing the work, well at least to the best of my "conscious" ability, and that word "conscious" may be the biggest word I use today.

   I find out I have terrible long term deep seeded abandonment issues, who would have guessed.  I also find out I have totally no idea what-so-ever what a "boundary" is in my life.  I don' even know what a boundary is.  Am I in trouble here?  Oh yeah.  For a few weeks and days I was melting down pretty regular.  Big tough guy...hmmmm.  

   Thanks to a greatttttttttttttt psych and a dear dear friend who had been reborn of "critical health and resulting suffering", I got some ideas for re-birthing myself.  Isn't that what the second step says?  "Reborn"?  More like retooling my entire operating system inside.  It is kinda like getting one of those computer messages; "an update is available, would you like to install it now?".  No matter what you say, the Divine is gonna do the right thing.  Better buckle up for what may be similar to "Mr Toads Wild Ride"!

   What happened to start this mess is not important.  What I had to do is not important.   What I am doing in this present moment is absolutely essential to a "happy, joyous, free" life.

   My dear dear friend suggested that my moral values, oh yeah I gottem' today, could be viewed as a set of simple boundaries.  Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, I got boundaries.  

    So in this and every present moment these days I make every attempt to "Think, Think, Think" using my moral compass as a filter for thinking right thinking.  Check it out!  It works.  My life is on the mend, my thinking is less critical, I feel like a person who has survived to live another 70 years.

   I am being mindful to keep that "first drink" in front of my mind.  I do not mean ETOH or ethyl alcohol, I mean the drunken thoughts of fear, doubt, worry, jealousy, anger, et al 7 deadly sins.  Should I ever take another drink of alcohol in my life it will be while thinking one of these insidious paralyzing thoughts.  I have been reminded that every good and well thing I want in life stands on the other side of a fear of some form.

   Life is resembling a quadratic equation.  As I get healthier in my thinking and live out the idea that I AM not in control on this side of the equation, the opposite side of the equation gets more and more open, loving and supportive.  Life is supporting me in all ways.  As I let others live as they will,  I gain so very much freedom from self.  

   So now that I just have inhaled a 1 1/2 lb steak writing this, I am growing at least around the waist.....oyyyyy.  Letting Go and letting God is just not as easy as it sounds.  It is possible though.  It is possible.  Hmmm, maybe it was the twice baked potato that is gonna get me.

Love and light

richard

   

"Are they just trite sayings"?

      How many times have I heard one of the platitudes or sayings which are an intricate part of 12 step recovery programs and thought to myself; “yeah….sure, maybe others but not me”.  Many, is the answer, that is until that particular saying came true.  Then my thought was something similar to; “why not me?” What a wishy-washy set of thinking it seems in retrospect.  The following situation or circumstance from my past should show precisely what I mean.

     In the fall of 1988 which would be the 14^th year of sobriety or as I like to characterize it; “not drinking time at best”, my former wife had open heart surgery in Orlando, Fl.  At this time I was retired from the U.S. Navy for 3 years and was employed as a City Letter Carrier by the U.S. Postal Service…from one uniform to another.  From one guaranteed paycheck to another.  “…fear of economic security” will be the subject of another post later.

     As I visited my wife on a Sunday afternoon in the cardiac surgery center one afternoon, in her weakened state she asked me; “does this mean you will quit smoking now?”  I thought that was an interesting question since she still was a nearly pack a day smoker herself.  My response was in retrospect just a little callous possibly.  I stated; “No, this seems to be your life problem not mine, I know that “things” I give up or quit for another never works, I need to do things like that for myself”.  While this did not seem to sit well with her, what could she say?  It really was her problem.  I totally did not have any ideas or thoughts of quitting smoking.  It was my right!  I was allowed!  It is my lungs!  As you can see I was steeped in fear of trying to stop yet another addiction which I had failed at miserably before in my life.

      My cigarette addiction had become a pack and one-half a day habit.  Smoking preceded or superseded everything in my life it seemed.  When I arose on Monday morning something deep within me signaled that the time was near for me to stop smoking.  I tried to beat this voice back and or ignore it.  Yet I told my oldest daughter that when this pack of cigarettes I was working on was empty that she would wash the ashtrays in our home and put them away.  I sincerely thought I was possessed.  That could not be “ME” saying this.  Then the good conscious mind kicked in and said; “uh, yeah”. 

     Well that pack of cigarettes which should have been done and gone by noon time lasted until Friday morning around 10:00AM.  Wait.  Did I just say Friday morning?  Yuppp.  It had to be some form of spiritual witchcraft.  A not nearly full pack of cigarettes lasting nearly 5 days?  Yes.  It would seem without me knowing it or “requesting it” consciously, God was doing for me that which I had never ever be able to do, quit smoking on my own.  Being a good daughter, she washed and put away all the ashtrays.  I have not had a cigarette since then.  Of course this is just to easy right?  Again,yupppp.

     While I never again smoked I did devour a lot and I mean a lot of Lifesavers.  I would have been smart to buy stock in the company.  I gained nearly 10 pounds in the next six months.  I had not gained weight in over 30 years.  Smoking it seems was a good weight control program.  It seems I was to accept that I could lose some weight or go to a dentist to repair my physical maladies.  I could not repair death from cigarette usage.  So it seems that the little ditty; “God is doing for us that which we could not do for ourselves” was true and correct.  When taken in conjunction with another cutie “…more will be revealed”, it can be a moving Divine experience.  So, “…more was revealed”.

      As I said at this time I was employed by the U.S. Postal Service which still allowed smoking under certain conditions in their facilities.  I had been off for 10 days taking care of children while my wife had her open heart surgery.  I had followed God’s direction and quit smoking at the end of the 10 days just prior to returning to work.  As I walked back into the U.S Postal Service facility where I worked all my friends and well wishers seemed very quiet and subdued.  I was not sure what was going on, with the Postal Service, one never knew what was happening.  As I returned to my assigned work area I noticed that all of my smoking buddies were not smoking and all the metal clip-on ashtrays had been removed.

      It seemed to me that “more really was about to be revealed”.  It seems that the Friday that The Divine enabled me to stop smoking of my own volition, the U.S. Postal Service in a surprise, swift and final move declared all of their facilities a NON SMOKING area.  Nowhere on Postal grounds was it now allowed.  Many of my contemporaries were hostile, were belligerent and downright hostile at this decision.  I was in fact watching myself if I had not stopped smoking.  I was a “take not hostages nor prisoners and kill all” type of guy when it came to smoking.  I know for a fact in my heart and mind, had I walked into work that morning and still been a smoker I would have turned around and left and quit.  That was my typical attitude.  It is my right!  I am allowed!  It is my lungs!  Indeed more had been revealed.

     Today when these two and other sayings pop into my head I simply smile that smile of knowing and try to sit back in life and wait for the next Divine Occurrence which is coming.  I have found out for me that The Source of Life does not bluff.  When “IT” makes an announcement or statement in my Mind, I know it is a done deal.  I just need to hang around and “let it happen”.  Why fight it?  It will happen in spite of me.  This it turns out is indeed; “The easier softer way”.

     Trite sayings?  Platitudes?  No, not in my current thinking.  More like advance notices from the Creator of Life and Love.  I just need to be ready and willing to let Life occur in and around me and enjoy contented sobriety as opposed to neurotic dryness.  Oh oh, I just had an intuitive thought aka. message, something like; “…just do it !”.  I think my relaxation in life is over for the time being.  Hmmmm, just do what?  Living in the mystery still. 

Love and light

Richard

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