Wednesday, August 31, 2011

"Congruous? Sounds difficult to me!"

     When entering into recovery, I slowly, very slowly had to deal with the fact that I had become a chameleon in life.  Whatever it took in the present moment I would be.  If life seemed like it wanted me to lie, I did.  If life required me to stroke your ego, I did.  No matter how badly I had to prostitute my morals or good character, I did what it took for me to survive.  I actually had no moral compass nor had any clue which way morality lie.  I was an empty shell of humanity existing at a human level and nothing else.

     It was excruciating to have to admit I was not only "...powerless..." over anything, for I was of course a US Navy Chief Petty Officer.  Powerless?  Not in my vocabulary.  Of course initially I was focused on "things" outside I might be "powerless" over.  You people who knew what recovery was all about for you were living it, understood that I needed to realize I was "powerless over" that which caused my "powerlessness".  My substance abuse was but a "...symptom of underlying problems".  All those problems and symptoms were within, not without.  I did not want to hear I, the inside of me was the problem.  That meant I was inferior to my contemporaries, which at that time were in the "drunk tank" of life with me.

     I was to find out that the phrase; "as within, so without..." was going to become a mantra in life for me.  At first glance I did not understand it, then I fought it, then I ignored it.  Seemed like the right thing to do at the time.  The concept that something within me was going to dictate what was around me frankly just went over my head.  What?  For such a self thought smart guy I really was not that hip on what made me tick.  Oh? God?  Remember I had not even yet begun to reconcile that idea.  There came the rub with this; "as within so without".  Without a source or force to call upon to create my own reality, how could I?  Ahhh, the  beginning of understanding how I was powerless over everything within me for I had learned to operate from the wrong source within me.  Get the right "source" and get well.

     So here I was at the beginning of recovery just a solid mess of questions, fears, moral ills and unable to completely turn my life around.  Completely?  Who said I had to completely at the very first cut, had to change my life totally and completely?  Of course I had said that to myself.  Wrong.  You ladies and gentleman urged me to accomplish one day at a time and one thought and idea at a time.  You urged me to consider that the spiritual principles underlying the 12 steps would enable me to not only see the correct path to recovery of my "inside", they would provide the mechanics and build the want or desire to accomplish this life changing feat.  Well now, good solid direction!

     Day by day I began to look inward and realize that I was a mess.  I was not able at any juncture to "walk my talk" more than a portion of an hour or day at the beginning.  My entire existence had been  fabricated on lies and untruths about myself and all of life which included you, humanity.  I was a basket case of recovering emotions and spirituality for the first nearly 12 years of recovery.  One day I was in tune, the next day out of  balance.  One year up, up, and away Superman of service and love for my fellow humanity and the next "Lucifer" himself.  Around 20 years of working at this thing called emotional recovery leading to spiritual growth things started making sense.  I began to be entirely honest with me and you.  I began to understand what made me hip, slick and cool on the inside.  It was of course the explosion of "light" I had seen in so many of you.  I was beginning to sense, feel and pay attention to my own "light" and the source of that light was God as I understand "IT".

     For the next 17 years of recovery I was called upon to starting an interior house cleaning process that would rival all others I had done.  I would  also have to become my own "observer" in life.  I watched what I said.  I became sensitive to what I was doing.  I felt for my fellow human on a level I never knew existed.  I was on "The Way" as they used say in the first days of my fellowship of recovery.  I was beginning to live in  balance.  I was actually becoming "well" on a human level and on an interior basis.  Recovery and beyond were my thoughts.

    What does any of that have to do with today?  I have determined from my own actions that all of this step stuff and recovery stuff leads me to a congruous or harmonious life.  That would be harmony between the inner and outer worlds.  I know that "I Am" in control of my Reality.  I find only "I" can keep my Self in Harmony between  "Heaven (inner) and Earth (outer).  Of course all this occurs one breath, one moment, one  minute, one hour, one day, one....etc. at a time.  I need to be ever vigilante of my thoughts and actions that they are being congruous with the rest of Life.  Congruous?  My definition would differ from all the dictionary's in that I would call it "my perception" as view through the filters of "IT", the God of my understanding.

     Suffering from a "progressive illness" reminds me that as quickly as I grow in "the Sunlight of the Spirit" my illness keeps pace.  At an unconscious level both "IT" and my illness function, today it is my choice to give power to "IT" as opposed to my illness.  That is the choice I was promised so many years ago and remains true today.

Love and Light,
aka ezduzit777 on Twitter and
Richard Curtis on Facebook





Thursday, August 11, 2011

"Enabling? Me? Hmmm I don't think so!"

    When I first came to recovery my family and in particular my spouse were exposed to the philosophy of "do not enable" the sick person.  Certainly love, comfort and care for, just don't enable them.  Do not make it easy or easier to continue to be sick.  In my case, they needed to quit making excuses for me, they needed to consider helping themselves if I did not respond to treatment and they needed to lay the results of my terrible thinking in my lap where it belonged.  They needed to quit being some of my excuses.

   This process was entirely foreign to them and it totally baffled me.  I really did not understand nor did I like what they were being encouraged and taught to do.  I kind of didn't really want some of my "support base" eroded just in case things didn't go the right way.  Selfish?  Oh yeah.  Of course this is the period of time I really had a lot on my plate of life trying to get me recovered in some form of fashion.

   Now some years later I have been thrust into situations where I need to learn to "stop enabling" others and figure out I am powerless even yet in another area of my thinking.  Since I was not part of the "stop enabling" training some decades ago, I now find myself asking me if I am being an enabler?  Do I do the wrong things try to help and be right for other people?  Do I act our of emotionality rather than positive loving support?  These are questions I am sorting out with the advice and counsel of those that are in the "know"  They would  be the people who been through these processes and came out the other side in very good emotional and spiritual shape.  They are my trusted advisers either in or out of the recovery circles.  My recovery program has always been quick to point me in the direction of outside help with no hesitation of using "outside sources".  There are some very smart people out there that I could use their expertise.

   It seems that this process of "not enabling" is far more intricate and vast than I ever thought.  How I must have acted and sounded in early recovery when those around me were trying to get it right.  I was very much ignorant of the process and requirements for the process.  Now I am in the process and somewhat lost.  My literature tells me; " some of these we balked."  I must admit I may not be approaching this with a "fearless" attitude.  Seems that this whole idea may just be one of the areas I need to grow in.  The deep seeded want and need to help my loved ones in a positive and helpful manner.  Not necessarily in "my manner".  This would be a much simpler task if substance abuse was part of the situation.  It is not.  I am well versed in that process.  I need to know how to stop this enabling.  It seems that is what I am doing without a structured program.  Kind of ad hoc. That is why the outside help is being sought.

   "More will be revealed."  I sure hope so.  I am planning on it.  I have decided to let God win this race.  "IT" is certainly infinitely more well equipped for this task than I am; "and I think I will let Him/Her/IT."

   The fruits of my labors now will become apparent in future blog items.  One will be able to determine just where I am in this quest for help and direction.

Love and Light,

aka ezduzit777 on twitter