Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Humility is ___!

This may once again be one of the most nebulous words not only in the 12 Step fellowships, but any spiritually motivated gathering.  To grasp this thought, feeling or concept may be a life endeavor and probably will be for persons of my ilk.  Or, "crash, bam, alla kazam, out of an orange colored sky" the realization could come in a present moment.  To even write about this word seems like I am being falsely humble.  Tough concept I think.

When I first entered these rooms of recovery I smugly held that I knew quite well what this "humility" thing was all about.  After all I was a humble dude most all of  the time, or so I thought.  I was to find in the upcoming decades of recovery that I had a lot to learn.  An awfully lot to learn.  And, maybe even more to un-learn.  I had been given quite a few lessons in life by my "tribe" and probably none of them fit well with the idea of being humble.  This thing, "humiity" is one of the largest most life changing concepts I was to grapple with and is far and wide bigger and bolder than anything I could think of greater in scope that the 12 Steps.  In fact it is entirely possible as I look at it now, that the 12 Steps are actually merely stepping stones to humility and at the least a mechanism for us to start manifesting that natural spirit of Life we all have and truly want to be.

So as I was meandering through life trying to be spiritual and/or humble I started trying to formulate an idea of what humility was and how did it act or look in me.  Yeah.  Ok.  I had no clue.  Then when I started talking about it and asking questions I was told that I may want to check out spiritual pride which is the opposite for I may have been acting out those characteristics.  This was going to be one of those life efforts that just wasn't going to be easy.  And of course, "...the easier softer way" was my way of life.

One day which probably was really 10 years or so long I made an internal discovery.  As I sat in the very best attempt I could at meditating, I began to feel a "...peace that passes all human (my) understanding...!", I was becoming aware of my own Divinity during this time (why are you laughing? aren't we all children of the Most High?  Therefore, Divine!) and was truly beginning to like and want more of  these interior feelings.  The more I gave up of myself the more I felt the Presence of the One and Only Power, God. The shear enormity of what I was discovering was actually overwhelming to me.  I had never been big on religion or spirituality and now I was headed for humility?  Wow.

So all this background brings me to the big question.  What is, how is, this thing called humility?  I honestly may not be able to articulate this.....hmmm, is that false spiritual pride?  Maybe.  Ok.  Yes, on many occasions I feel totally devoted to and 100% a part of the Spirit of Life which is what I call God or "IT". My, my, my, I actually said it out loud in public and am still standing.....amazing.  Feels pretty good.  In all seriousness, I have been guided to not really speak of this subject much .  It kind of had a hush hush feeling to it.  The kind of subject and discussion one would have in the back corners of an abbey somewhere.  Now days, I am very happy to speak out loud of my God, She, He, IT is firstt in my life and should be a huge part of my thinking, speaking and writing at the appropriate moments, like now.

At one time I was asked by a young sponsee one time how he could begin to demonstrate the qualities of humility and loving kindness.  My answer to him was; "love God more than yourself".  Good thinking and just maybe the exact course I should take each present moment of my life today.  Love IT (God) more than I love myself.  

I make the distinction here that I am speaking of the ego "self" or personality "self".  That portion of me which seems to want to always interfere with my progress in achieving "God consciousness or Self Realization".  I normally refer to this portion of my existence as "the little me, the little i, or little self".  Everything else is capitalized and reserved for IT.  Oh oh, did I just start the premise of "duality"?  We will hold that idea for another article.  This awareness of the BIG and little me gives me the opportunity to stay awake in the present moment and think just "what" am I serving at the moment.  If the present moment decision is that I am "self" serving, the the command is "STOP IT" and love IT more than your "self".

So, bottom line?  It would appear that today my own inherent guidance to my young friend; "love God more than yourself" is right on.  If I will strive and achieve this relationship as much as possible, I believe I will be portraying, displaying, manifesting or Being the state of being humble.  If I am being humble then I can say that I in a present moment have in fact achieved humility.

Do I accomplish the desired relationship of loving IT more than myself all the time?  No.  Is it possible?  I think so.  History shows us examples of humans who are thought today of having been "humble".  Am I putting myself in that category?  Yes.  It seems to me that if any human being is demonstrating humility, regardless of Julian Date, then they are all in the same category, they are humble.

Am I being "un-humble" for writing and saying all of the above?  Hmmm, wait a  minute this is where I started I think.  I all humility this may be a great place to end this entry.

Love and Light,


PS:  Catch me live on Dr. Anna Shouse's Unity FM Recovery talk show on 5 April 2011 at 5PM EST

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Honesty? Never was my strong game

When I was young I fell into the ways of not being quite truthful....okay I lied a lot.

I was very sick physically most of my first 10 years alive and was told to use my intelligence for I showed signs of being a bright child and also to use my imagination to while away spare or dead time.  Grandparents and parents were busy making a living and did not have a lot of time for a sickly child who could not go to school always.  So I learned quickly in life to fantasize and even lie to get attention or to justify things I may be doing or had done.  As most of us have learned, the habits we adopt as young children have a way of following us in to adulthood, especially the bad ones.

As life moved on and I aged into pre-teen and adolescence my habits get getting worse and then I added dependency on the chemical ETOH for emotional support and problem solving.  Adding fuel to an assortment of abhorrent behavior was not the smartest thing I could have or should have done.  My reality world was becoming limited to my fantasy world and life of deceit and lies.  Embellishment was a way of life and most around me recognized that.  I refused to be honest and through denial got worse by the year.

The very first in-depth  honesty of any sort I can remember as an adult, well as an older person, was when although I had not drank for over 6 months, I asked the U.S. Navy to put me in treatment for my illness in the fall of 1974.  For just a moment in life I actually felt clean and pure inside, a feeling I had given up long ago as a child.  I had given up a lot of child like qualities long before normal people do. I did not get old before my time, I had quit maturing long before my peers.

As I entered and subsequently became involved in my Fellowship, the word "honestly" came to my ears a lot. At first I thought; "yeah that's cool".  Then I got it!  They wanted me to honest "in all my affairs"......I don't think so.  As it turns out, this honesty was to be the saving grace of my life, as it is even today.  As with most great ideas in my life I resisted the totality of what I was expected to accomplish in recovery.  All the time?  With everyone? In every situation? Nope, not gonna do that.  That would make me vulnerable and that was not a state of being I was ready for.  They told me that honesty was a display of Spirituality.  No wonder I knew nothing of it, I knew nothing of being a spiritual person.

Well you can see what was gonna happen here.  I was making an effort to learn of a Power Greater than myself but not changing all my ways.  Not even most of them.  This provides conflict in a person which now could not be resolved using a chemical or substance.  It had to be "au naturel".

An so after numerous days, weeks, months, years, decades we come to "Present Moment".  I believe that I have caused myself so much agony over the last decades that at least in this present moment I am cognizant of my honesty, rigorous or otherwise, being a manifestation of the Divine within me.  I can only be honest in this present moment and I can only touch my God in this present moment.  so finally I have a grasp of what it takes to be honest in life.  Not any type or form of honesty, just honest.

It takes a continuous day by day, breath by breath conscious contact with God as I understand IT.  It takes every tool, every suggestion ever honest moment I have to bring about this natural process of being honest.  For this I am  truly grateful.  Do I slip? Yes. do I like that? Absolutely not.  Do I treat it very much like taking a drink of alcohol?  Totally!  Any deviation from my God is in fact in my mind a drunken spree of a short or long duration.  Spiritual and emotional sobriety depend totally on me Being. Honesty absolutely depends on me totally Being.  There is no other process in life, only Being One with The One.  As that occurs all things great and small become manifest in my life.  Honest, they do.

Love and Light,

Saturday, March 19, 2011

The difference between "being used" and "feeling used"

During those days, months and years, that I was actively pursuing my disease on a daily basis, so many times I would end up feeling used and abused.  It was not uncommon for my head to tell me that "I was being taken advantage of" or "how someone was treating me as a fool".  These types of thoughts were the way my persona got permission from my brain to go on yet another bender of some sort.  Great excuse system for a drunk.

When I was feeling very insecure and at times very paranoid, the feelings of being used were nearly overwhelming.  This just created more negativity deep within me.  It was like a vicious circle.  Like a squirrel cage treadmill, I just did not know how to stop the merry go round.

Today by changing many of my persona characteristics I now know the feeling of "being used".  Being used by the Power of the Universe, by friends and loved ones seeking help, by the world at large by accepting my never ending love for them.  This feeling of being useful is actually very cool and quite a great uplifting feeling for me.  The difference being, I submit myself to the process of the "Life" and get used for Its Highest Good.  I used to fight and not submit anything to anybody at anytime and  that result was I got used and abused.

So today the key for me to continue to; "practice these principles in all my affairs" is submitting my will to The Universe.  The Universe aka "Power Greater than Myself"is that which is my own free will enables me to just give it up of my own free volition.  Anything less that total submission for me is going to result in my feeling like I am once again being used and abused.  Even for me this is a simple process to remember.  Submit will, bask in sunlight of the spirit.  Fight and do not submit and end up suffering at the hands of my own Egoic personality and fate I do not want to suffer again.

So for any of my friends out there, either known or not known. thank you for today and your sharing.  I am thrilled to report that based on your sharing and your honesty I truly felt used today by God deep within me.  I would not trade that for anything in the world.  This feeling of "being a tool on earth for the Divine" is something no one could have convinced me of in the beginning of this journey through life in recovery.

The feeling or mental state of being used is far far greater than anything I had been promised by anyone in recovery and even than that stated on pages 83 and 84 of our Big Book....far greater.  It is also a feeling that is worthy of my attention in the present moment each moment.

Love and Light,
aka ezduzit777

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The loss of a loved one....I am learning at last!

It seems to me that in my early days of life I kind of blocked out most feelings of loss for people. the earliest I can remember is 7 years old and that was to shape much of my life if not all of it.

My maternal grandfather as I viewed him was the only person in life whoever paid attention to me.  He made sure that he spent time on our farm and let me ride his huge "clydesdale" horse.  He as my only real description of love at the tender age of birth to 7 years old.  When he made his transition I was forced to go up to the casket at the viewing and touch his hand and say goodbye.  I was saying goodbye to love, that hurt.  It hurt so bad I think I never really knew the true feeling of love until 32 years old.  During that run of 25 years I not for once felt the feelings of warmth and compassion as I had with him.  Not even with the mother of my children nor my own mother. I truly was a broken person.

When I was introduced to the 12 Steps I did not read nor here anything about how my interior love system was gonna get fixed.  I knew that my drinking problem was gonna or actually had stopped.  I knew that I would clean up my insides and head, but what of the most important item I had been missing all these years?  A definition of love to work from for my life.  A feeling of wellness from the world, a feeling of being wanted for me myself and nothing else.  It was not humanity around me that was failing, it was me and I saw nor heard a solution.  All this changed one day when a man stood in his Truth at a podium in the Lutheran Seaman's Mission in Olongapo, RP. and said to me; "I don't care where you have been nor what you have done, I love you for where you are seated at this moment".  Obviously I was setting  in a 12 Step meeting.  This man was obviously much larger in his caring for humanity than anything I had seen in the 12 Step program yet or since I stood beside my grandfather.

While the underlying principles of this program indicate a repairing of many things, I could not dare to hope for a total repair of my loving system. This task was far greater than what I had seen thus far in this program.  I would go on in life and find out that there is a loving humanity in life that would aid me or anyone in learning how to love again.  While I kept getting told about a power greater than myself could return me to whence I came, it was far easier to see it in my fellow man. I was to find out they were one in the same.

It was a monumental achievement for me to actually begin to care for and have some form of love for anyone which included myself.  As the years have went on and I was able to be shown the way to return to that which I was at birth, a loving entity of all things.  I truly began to enjoy life and people.  This for me was far beyond anything promised me at the beginning of my 12 Step life.  I had considered this far beyond the scope of any12 Step program.  My promises began to be fulfilled at a personal level which I had not expected.  Today I now know not to have expectations of others but to simply accept them at face value.  I am now capable of demonstrating outside of me that which is inside me, the power of love from my HP.

As life has moved on with me in tow, I am being shown the way for me to lovingly, miss, mourn and continue to hold in love those which are departing from this earth plane from me.  In recent years my own mother has transitioned just behind a beautiful woman who was my sponsors wife.  They were  my chance and time to step up and help those around me and to sit with my feelings and not have to do anything other than feel numb for a lack of understanding..  Reaching out to others in time of need seems simple as long as I remember that it is the "what of me" which is doing the reaching out.

I started this blog entry with the notion that for most of my life I did not know nor did not care to know when, how or where to love.  My HP in the form of other people has demonstrated this life lesson to me.  Just for today I do have a clue about others and I think they are just swell.  I guess this is one lesson that is larger than the 12 Steps or least from my perspective it has been.  It has taken, inside, outside, divine, village and many other kinds of help to get me to this point of life. Just for today I will accept help from any positive avenue, it's all my HP in disguise anyway.

This blog entry is dedicated to Dan and all those beautiful ladies over in Cranston Pl...."may your sorrow be short and your love long", thank you for showing me the way.

Love and Light,


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Compassion and care for others, not me!

The surroundings of my upbringing did not lend itself to teaching me very much about how I should treat other people, my family and friends.  Until the age of 32 it was "me" and only "me"that drove most of my thinking.  At times I would have a flash of brilliance and try to do something or say something to help others, but certainly I was doing that for what I could get in return.

Now I look back and understand that my lack of feelings for others was my training.  I like most other human beings was only doing what I had been nurtured to do.  I had been created at birth by a Divine Source  and then re-created by family, friends and society.  When I learned of the 12 Steps it was a realization that I was going to need to be re-created once again and it would take my Divine Source to do it.  I could not fathom nor see anything in my newly found program that was grand enough, including a HP that could accomplish this feat.  What I did not know was that the catch phrase; " all our affairs." would include once again include family, friends and society which were to become  be the tools of my HP's re-creation of me.

Over the next 3 decades HP has had Its "hands full".  I never learned to deal with change very well.  Every time I was called upon to take the concerns of others into consideration I balked.  I had to be led "by the nose" to the realizations that a times I needed to have compassion and care for others and not just my little self.  For years I viewed this process as far beyond the scope of 12 Steps.  It was.  I needed more help than they could give me in my limited human capacity.

It would become apparent that I was one individual like many others in my circle of life that was going to need special or outside help in all three afflicted areas of my life; physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I was informed that if I were to affect a significant spiritual change all other things would take care of themselves.
Through all the mechanics available to me in "the program" plus many others I have found, I have been blessed with having a significant change in attitude.

I now know what compassion feels like for I have had compassion shown to me and I was able to feel it, understand it and then emulate it.  I know also what it is like to care for others in a loving way.  Again, this was given to me and I simply re-create those feelings for others today.  None of this happened over night.  None of this happened without a measure of spiritual pain.  None of this happened without the necessary discovery and corrective actions for my character.  My biggest discovery in seeking that which would enable me to become the person I wanted to be was a spiritual movement known as Unity.

Unity has lifted my higher in my spiritual recovery than I could have ever imagined.  Remember I was told that I needed spiritual recovery which would fix all other things for me.  This newfound spiritual movement was to propel me into none other than the "4th dimension" I had heard so much of.  While the 12 Steps were instrumental in building a basis for life, Unity was to give me the boost in life for me to have spiritual volume in my life.  Seeking consciousness through prayer and meditation at level which I never found in the program was to be my "saving grace".  I have been privileged again to go from wondering what the heck meditation was to leading meditations for the public.  I would find out that thee are millions of like minds out there seeking God on so many levels that I could never be alone again.  Along with my prolific involvement in Unity I would also be led to a mind/body recovery through the discovery of a passion for Tai Chi.

This Chinese mind, body and spirit movement program would be the catalyst to enable me to address many physical, emotional and spiritual needs I could not, noooo, would not address through any other way in my life.  This phase of my existence allows me to recognize and give compassion to those trying to learn and become healthy.  This practice has aided me in growing past many deep psychological ailments which the program and Unity began to correct but couldn't for I would not allow it.

Today I am keenly aware that there is infinitely more to living this life than I ever thought the day I met the 12 Steps.  There is indeed a Universe which is friendly and depending on my momentary perception, all creatures in that Universe are also friendly, compassionate and caring.  While some say;"it takes a village to raise a child, that would be me" I say; "it took the Universe to raise me".  Yes there is more than just 12 Steps, I just needed to wake up and go find it!.  I got mine just for today and I suspect yours is just there waiting to be manifested at your request.

Love and Light

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Pocket Idols?, Knock on Wood?, nahhhh

Is there more than just the 12 Steps?  Of course!  I would ultimately find such great things as; maturity, change of  habits, understanding of my inner most self.  All things that were never ever on my mind before I met the 12 Steps.

I just read a very candid, honest blog entry by someone writing on "rituals".  Interesting subject for a 12 Stepper and probably will turn into a subject that is ongoing for life.  At least for me this subject has caused me to become very much that which I always wanted to be.  An "in touch with, attention paying child of the Most High or HP".

When I was being raised by the tribe, my name for family, friends, etc. while growing up, I learned all that I was supposed I guess about luck, fortune, or we could call it the "easier softer way".  After all, when I wanted something for myself or something to occur that probably was not within my grasp I was taught to ask or seek "Good Luck".  Knock on wood three times, throw salt over my shoulder, (did this once to my ex wifes' horrification, the salt was in the shaker still) and all the other "good luck" talismans or sayings one can imagine.  By far and wide, I never really had any of this good luck happen to me.  I also noted other instances in life where people were calling up some unseen powerful "thing" to help them with their fame or fortune or good luck.  Everything from rubbing Buddhas belly to carry a four leaf clover.  Again, none of that ever worked for me.  Always gave me a feeling of; "how come I  never get nothing?".  Bad English and even worse living habit.

When I began to effect the principles of the 12 Steps in my life and I began to change, well grow up or mature is more like it. I started getting the idea that these rituals for me were not what I should be relying upon.  It was shared with me that maybe I should place that dependence for the correct process in my life with an entity which could actually deliver, no luck involved.  Your idea for me was to make that entity God or my HP.  The late Dr. Emmet Fox writes; "...there is no such thing as luck there is only God.".  Well when I first read "Sermon on the Mount" by Dr. Fox I was convinced that my mentors (sponsor) and Fox were onto something.  Hmmmmm, turn my thoughts to HP. Yep, this one was gonna work, as long as I  did it that is.

For me to bring this simple concept into my life though I would have to do some ritual house cleaning and cutting and begin some new rituals.  Like, pray all the time.  Pray for others which brought me into line with the Divine, be thankful/grateful for what is and not wheedle or cajole for what isn't.  This process was not for the feint at heart.  I would share this idea with many and they would just look at me.  However, the proof was  "in the pudding".

My life began to get extremely simpler and better.  The more I let go of my past rituals and became ensconced in my new patterns of life, the happier and more free I became.  In my 3rd year of this new way of life I did hit a wall which I would then ignore and turn a blind eye to.  It was way to hard and scared the heck out of me.  In fact it was one of my new found ideas/rituals.  It was started by an angel in this fellowship named Sister Ignatia and kept alive, well at least until today.  I was to have the passing thought of; "hmmmm I guess the power is not in the chip (medallion) it is in the Power Greater than myself.  Oh boy. Nope, could not deal with this and did not until the year of 1993 - 1994.

I made the conscious decision "FOR ME and me alone" that I would not carry nor accept any more "gold plated bronze medallions" as recognition for doing what I should be doing naturally and all my life, "...Being of maximum service to God and those about me".  Again, Dr. Emmet Fox writes of "pocket idols" and now I understand that term.  This was a very big ritual for me to overcome.

Today I make a conscious effort to rid myself of rituals thinking that all of them actually represented "pocket idols" to my unconscious.  Why not?  I was raised/taught that way.  Keeping me in the present moment where my HP lives, moves and has IT's being has replaced, well almost completely, these "pocket idols".  I am such a happy, joyous and free person through prayer and meditation as opposed to a querulous and disappointed personal through ritual.  It is one my most favor thoughts that "praise and worship" works, with HP, myself and ALL others.

Now if I could just figure out where to "pigeon hole" the thought process which has me buy lotto tickets each week.  Just for today I am putting this under the heading of; "...I must do the foot work, etc.".

I thank and bless Lisa for the idea and push to write this portion of my life.

Love and Light,

aka ezduzit777