It seems to me that in my early days of life I kind of blocked out most feelings of loss for people. the earliest I can remember is 7 years old and that was to shape much of my life if not all of it.
My maternal grandfather as I viewed him was the only person in life whoever paid attention to me. He made sure that he spent time on our farm and let me ride his huge "clydesdale" horse. He as my only real description of love at the tender age of birth to 7 years old. When he made his transition I was forced to go up to the casket at the viewing and touch his hand and say goodbye. I was saying goodbye to love, that hurt. It hurt so bad I think I never really knew the true feeling of love until 32 years old. During that run of 25 years I not for once felt the feelings of warmth and compassion as I had with him. Not even with the mother of my children nor my own mother. I truly was a broken person.
When I was introduced to the 12 Steps I did not read nor here anything about how my interior love system was gonna get fixed. I knew that my drinking problem was gonna or actually had stopped. I knew that I would clean up my insides and head, but what of the most important item I had been missing all these years? A definition of love to work from for my life. A feeling of wellness from the world, a feeling of being wanted for me myself and nothing else. It was not humanity around me that was failing, it was me and I saw nor heard a solution. All this changed one day when a man stood in his Truth at a podium in the Lutheran Seaman's Mission in Olongapo, RP. and said to me; "I don't care where you have been nor what you have done, I love you for where you are seated at this moment". Obviously I was setting in a 12 Step meeting. This man was obviously much larger in his caring for humanity than anything I had seen in the 12 Step program yet or since I stood beside my grandfather.
While the underlying principles of this program indicate a repairing of many things, I could not dare to hope for a total repair of my loving system. This task was far greater than what I had seen thus far in this program. I would go on in life and find out that there is a loving humanity in life that would aid me or anyone in learning how to love again. While I kept getting told about a power greater than myself could return me to whence I came, it was far easier to see it in my fellow man. I was to find out they were one in the same.
It was a monumental achievement for me to actually begin to care for and have some form of love for anyone which included myself. As the years have went on and I was able to be shown the way to return to that which I was at birth, a loving entity of all things. I truly began to enjoy life and people. This for me was far beyond anything promised me at the beginning of my 12 Step life. I had considered this far beyond the scope of any12 Step program. My promises began to be fulfilled at a personal level which I had not expected. Today I now know not to have expectations of others but to simply accept them at face value. I am now capable of demonstrating outside of me that which is inside me, the power of love from my HP.
As life has moved on with me in tow, I am being shown the way for me to lovingly, miss, mourn and continue to hold in love those which are departing from this earth plane from me. In recent years my own mother has transitioned just behind a beautiful woman who was my sponsors wife. They were my chance and time to step up and help those around me and to sit with my feelings and not have to do anything other than feel numb for a lack of understanding.. Reaching out to others in time of need seems simple as long as I remember that it is the "what of me" which is doing the reaching out.
I started this blog entry with the notion that for most of my life I did not know nor did not care to know when, how or where to love. My HP in the form of other people has demonstrated this life lesson to me. Just for today I do have a clue about others and I think they are just swell. I guess this is one lesson that is larger than the 12 Steps or least from my perspective it has been. It has taken, inside, outside, divine, village and many other kinds of help to get me to this point of life. Just for today I will accept help from any positive avenue, it's all my HP in disguise anyway.
This blog entry is dedicated to Dan and all those beautiful ladies over in Cranston Pl...."may your sorrow be short and your love long", thank you for showing me the way.
Love and Light,
richard
Showing posts with label compassion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label compassion. Show all posts
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Compassion and care for others, not me!
The surroundings of my upbringing did not lend itself to teaching me very much about how I should treat other people, my family and friends. Until the age of 32 it was "me" and only "me"that drove most of my thinking. At times I would have a flash of brilliance and try to do something or say something to help others, but certainly I was doing that for what I could get in return.
Now I look back and understand that my lack of feelings for others was my training. I like most other human beings was only doing what I had been nurtured to do. I had been created at birth by a Divine Source and then re-created by family, friends and society. When I learned of the 12 Steps it was a realization that I was going to need to be re-created once again and it would take my Divine Source to do it. I could not fathom nor see anything in my newly found program that was grand enough, including a HP that could accomplish this feat. What I did not know was that the catch phrase; "...in all our affairs." would include once again include family, friends and society which were to become be the tools of my HP's re-creation of me.
Over the next 3 decades HP has had Its "hands full". I never learned to deal with change very well. Every time I was called upon to take the concerns of others into consideration I balked. I had to be led "by the nose" to the realizations that a times I needed to have compassion and care for others and not just my little self. For years I viewed this process as far beyond the scope of 12 Steps. It was. I needed more help than they could give me in my limited human capacity.
It would become apparent that I was one individual like many others in my circle of life that was going to need special or outside help in all three afflicted areas of my life; physically, emotionally and spiritually. I was informed that if I were to affect a significant spiritual change all other things would take care of themselves.
Through all the mechanics available to me in "the program" plus many others I have found, I have been blessed with having a significant change in attitude.
I now know what compassion feels like for I have had compassion shown to me and I was able to feel it, understand it and then emulate it. I know also what it is like to care for others in a loving way. Again, this was given to me and I simply re-create those feelings for others today. None of this happened over night. None of this happened without a measure of spiritual pain. None of this happened without the necessary discovery and corrective actions for my character. My biggest discovery in seeking that which would enable me to become the person I wanted to be was a spiritual movement known as Unity.
Unity has lifted my higher in my spiritual recovery than I could have ever imagined. Remember I was told that I needed spiritual recovery which would fix all other things for me. This newfound spiritual movement was to propel me into none other than the "4th dimension" I had heard so much of. While the 12 Steps were instrumental in building a basis for life, Unity was to give me the boost in life for me to have spiritual volume in my life. Seeking consciousness through prayer and meditation at level which I never found in the program was to be my "saving grace". I have been privileged again to go from wondering what the heck meditation was to leading meditations for the public. I would find out that thee are millions of like minds out there seeking God on so many levels that I could never be alone again. Along with my prolific involvement in Unity I would also be led to a mind/body recovery through the discovery of a passion for Tai Chi.
This Chinese mind, body and spirit movement program would be the catalyst to enable me to address many physical, emotional and spiritual needs I could not, noooo, would not address through any other way in my life. This phase of my existence allows me to recognize and give compassion to those trying to learn and become healthy. This practice has aided me in growing past many deep psychological ailments which the program and Unity began to correct but couldn't for I would not allow it.
Today I am keenly aware that there is infinitely more to living this life than I ever thought the day I met the 12 Steps. There is indeed a Universe which is friendly and depending on my momentary perception, all creatures in that Universe are also friendly, compassionate and caring. While some say;"it takes a village to raise a child, that would be me" I say; "it took the Universe to raise me". Yes there is more than just 12 Steps, I just needed to wake up and go find it!. I got mine just for today and I suspect yours is just there waiting to be manifested at your request.
Love and Light
richard
Now I look back and understand that my lack of feelings for others was my training. I like most other human beings was only doing what I had been nurtured to do. I had been created at birth by a Divine Source and then re-created by family, friends and society. When I learned of the 12 Steps it was a realization that I was going to need to be re-created once again and it would take my Divine Source to do it. I could not fathom nor see anything in my newly found program that was grand enough, including a HP that could accomplish this feat. What I did not know was that the catch phrase; "...in all our affairs." would include once again include family, friends and society which were to become be the tools of my HP's re-creation of me.
Over the next 3 decades HP has had Its "hands full". I never learned to deal with change very well. Every time I was called upon to take the concerns of others into consideration I balked. I had to be led "by the nose" to the realizations that a times I needed to have compassion and care for others and not just my little self. For years I viewed this process as far beyond the scope of 12 Steps. It was. I needed more help than they could give me in my limited human capacity.
It would become apparent that I was one individual like many others in my circle of life that was going to need special or outside help in all three afflicted areas of my life; physically, emotionally and spiritually. I was informed that if I were to affect a significant spiritual change all other things would take care of themselves.
Through all the mechanics available to me in "the program" plus many others I have found, I have been blessed with having a significant change in attitude.
I now know what compassion feels like for I have had compassion shown to me and I was able to feel it, understand it and then emulate it. I know also what it is like to care for others in a loving way. Again, this was given to me and I simply re-create those feelings for others today. None of this happened over night. None of this happened without a measure of spiritual pain. None of this happened without the necessary discovery and corrective actions for my character. My biggest discovery in seeking that which would enable me to become the person I wanted to be was a spiritual movement known as Unity.
Unity has lifted my higher in my spiritual recovery than I could have ever imagined. Remember I was told that I needed spiritual recovery which would fix all other things for me. This newfound spiritual movement was to propel me into none other than the "4th dimension" I had heard so much of. While the 12 Steps were instrumental in building a basis for life, Unity was to give me the boost in life for me to have spiritual volume in my life. Seeking consciousness through prayer and meditation at level which I never found in the program was to be my "saving grace". I have been privileged again to go from wondering what the heck meditation was to leading meditations for the public. I would find out that thee are millions of like minds out there seeking God on so many levels that I could never be alone again. Along with my prolific involvement in Unity I would also be led to a mind/body recovery through the discovery of a passion for Tai Chi.
This Chinese mind, body and spirit movement program would be the catalyst to enable me to address many physical, emotional and spiritual needs I could not, noooo, would not address through any other way in my life. This phase of my existence allows me to recognize and give compassion to those trying to learn and become healthy. This practice has aided me in growing past many deep psychological ailments which the program and Unity began to correct but couldn't for I would not allow it.
Today I am keenly aware that there is infinitely more to living this life than I ever thought the day I met the 12 Steps. There is indeed a Universe which is friendly and depending on my momentary perception, all creatures in that Universe are also friendly, compassionate and caring. While some say;"it takes a village to raise a child, that would be me" I say; "it took the Universe to raise me". Yes there is more than just 12 Steps, I just needed to wake up and go find it!. I got mine just for today and I suspect yours is just there waiting to be manifested at your request.
Love and Light
richard
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