Back in the early 1980's I heard a lecture by then Rear Admiral Bobby Inman up his retirement from his current government post. He was able to articulate his thoughts about just who "them" was and what could or should they mean to us. What a great great talk. He was truly on target. His sage advice? His wise counsel? Of course "them" is "us". Who would have thought that? Not me.
Now many years later I am thinking once again about "them" and what they could or should mean to me. Of course everything I feel and think is my responsibility and truly begins and ends within me. It is an inside job and always will be. It seems that during my current life I can allow my Self to choose to let "me" think that all of my not so nice feelings and thoughts are because of "them". "Them", pick a person, place or thing. My little mind known to me as "self or me" loves to help me think that I do not and should not take responsibility for my own feelings and thoughts, why should I? It is actually "them" that causes those feelings.
Of course I have learned and know for sure that if I allow "self or me" to rule the thought process I am going to be in troublllllle!!! I must be "ever vigilante" to not allow that lower self of me to have control or even a small voice. My true life and mature feelings as an adult come solely from that Power Greater than myself" some call it God, others call IT by many other names, I choose to call It "IT".
As soon as I recognize the fact that I am once again blaming, judging, criticizing those that I think are causing my problem, I must at once look deep within Me to find "that still small voice" of reason and love. IT is what that voice is. I do not have to be in the lotus position nor on top a mountain to "go within"....that still small voice is readily accessible and actually at my beck and call. I just need the proper motive, such as I do not like insanity in my life anymore. It is not good for me nor others around me. So I need to not only seek IT deep within me, I also need to remove the word "them" from my vocabulary at that time. This dual action by me ensures that relief from "my" thinking will come quickly.
So it would seem that Mr. Inman was correct. It is not "them" out there anywhere" that causes my pain and suffering, it is "me or self" that does. And still true today is that "I, IT, Self" will in fact relieve me of the burden of what I perceive is "them being the root of all my problems".
Love and Light,
richard
aka ezduzit777 on twitter
follow me on FB as Richard Curtis
Showing posts with label "IT". Show all posts
Showing posts with label "IT". Show all posts
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
" I was told, "Bring your dreams to the program!", I did and I am glad"
Early in recovery before I could really state what I wanted in life, I kept hearing this phrase; "bring your dreams to the program". I had since long ago given up dreaming for anything other than to get out of trouble and stop being in pain most of the time. I dreamed of being, well, normal. I did not know what that meant, yet i wanted to be that. I just wanted to be happy, I think. Being a little neurotic and a lot of afflicted I am not sure exactly what I was thinking.
After some time I started to build a list in my head of things I wanted to be or to do or to experience. Standard list for a 40 year old male, 8 years in recovery, above average intelligence. You know. Be a formula one driver, be a movie star with Bruce Lee. Some would think that I had the emotions and desires of a 14 year old. Why not? I stopped developing emotionally at age 11 when I started my road to addiction. When I came to recovery it seems that is where I picked back up emotionally. My children could not understand why sometimes I was into the same things and they were at their ages. After they read this they will know.
Moving ahead in recovery my inherent core beliefs and values started emerging and became part of my every day life. I was mildly surprised to find out I had such a good set of morals and internal compass to follow. Little by little I started to accomplish what the Taoist believe as; "return to that which you were"...
Today some 4 decades later I have adopted a thinking process in the Present Moment which allows and encourages me to dream, with moderation of course. I have given myself permission to want and appreciate the gifts that The Spirit of Life will shower me with. In fact yesterday I was able to live out one of my dreams aka "bucket list".
Having lived and traveled in Italy I love and appreciate good Italian food. One of our dear dear friends is a trained chef which specializes in Italian cuisine and especially The Tuscan region. She was able to come to one of our local culinary academies and teach a class on Traditional Tuscan cooking. Ohhh yeahhhh, I was in the front row. For a small price I was able to learn so much in a 2 hour class it was surprising to me. Did you know that 25 year old balsamic vinegar costs about $200 per bottle and is so sweet and heavy you can drizzle it over fresh cut strawberries......yummmmmm. We all had a truly wonderful time and our friend turns out to be a natural teacher and very smooth educator. I would love to become a chef and teach as she does. What a gift and what a fun way to make people happy and sustain a prosperous life.
I had a dream and that dream became manifest in Reality one day at a time. I trusted The Divine to bring to me that which IT feels is for me to have or do and It responded in kind. Am I truly blessed? Oh yeah and more. I am looking forward to whatever "The Source" decides I need to do to once again to satisfy at least one more item on my "wish list" aka "bucket list". Who knows, maybe it will be ice cream for breakfast.....oh oh, I already do that.
Love and Light,
richard aka
ezduzit777 on twitter
After some time I started to build a list in my head of things I wanted to be or to do or to experience. Standard list for a 40 year old male, 8 years in recovery, above average intelligence. You know. Be a formula one driver, be a movie star with Bruce Lee. Some would think that I had the emotions and desires of a 14 year old. Why not? I stopped developing emotionally at age 11 when I started my road to addiction. When I came to recovery it seems that is where I picked back up emotionally. My children could not understand why sometimes I was into the same things and they were at their ages. After they read this they will know.
Moving ahead in recovery my inherent core beliefs and values started emerging and became part of my every day life. I was mildly surprised to find out I had such a good set of morals and internal compass to follow. Little by little I started to accomplish what the Taoist believe as; "return to that which you were"...
Today some 4 decades later I have adopted a thinking process in the Present Moment which allows and encourages me to dream, with moderation of course. I have given myself permission to want and appreciate the gifts that The Spirit of Life will shower me with. In fact yesterday I was able to live out one of my dreams aka "bucket list".
Having lived and traveled in Italy I love and appreciate good Italian food. One of our dear dear friends is a trained chef which specializes in Italian cuisine and especially The Tuscan region. She was able to come to one of our local culinary academies and teach a class on Traditional Tuscan cooking. Ohhh yeahhhh, I was in the front row. For a small price I was able to learn so much in a 2 hour class it was surprising to me. Did you know that 25 year old balsamic vinegar costs about $200 per bottle and is so sweet and heavy you can drizzle it over fresh cut strawberries......yummmmmm. We all had a truly wonderful time and our friend turns out to be a natural teacher and very smooth educator. I would love to become a chef and teach as she does. What a gift and what a fun way to make people happy and sustain a prosperous life.
I had a dream and that dream became manifest in Reality one day at a time. I trusted The Divine to bring to me that which IT feels is for me to have or do and It responded in kind. Am I truly blessed? Oh yeah and more. I am looking forward to whatever "The Source" decides I need to do to once again to satisfy at least one more item on my "wish list" aka "bucket list". Who knows, maybe it will be ice cream for breakfast.....oh oh, I already do that.
Love and Light,
richard aka
ezduzit777 on twitter
Friday, October 28, 2011
"The desire to enjoy the "Present Moment"
"You gotta stop and smell the roses!", like what the heck does that really mean? I never knew. My grandmother had a saying for every moment and every situation. I just ignored most of what she had to say. Things like; "to forgive is human and to forget is divine"...really?. Little treasures like that.
Now in later recovery, later? Hmmm, contented? Hmmmm long?, yeah, long recovery, some of my grandmothers old sayings are starting to actually make sense to me. Like the one; "you gotta stop and smell the roses." I know that roses could only smell in a present moment, certainly not in the past, for I can't be there and not in the future since I am not there yet.
I think that the term "roses" may be a reference to The Divine. The glorious smell of a rose just blooming in the cool morning can bring waves of joy, peace and love to mind quickly. Much the same as those quiet yet dynamic interior thoughts we can have of God or IT. Both actions can foster nearly identical feelings and thoughts. For so many years I would not, not could not, but would not stop long enough to enjoy Life, GOD or any physical beauty around me. Now today in long recovery I am learning that "smelling the roses" is the payoff for all the effort and tribulations of recovery.
In long recovery, and by the way, one does not have to wait for long recovery, "right now" would be a grand time", it is my choice each and every waking moment of just exactly what I want to experience in my daily life. It is through my perception that I "see" what is going on and thus make wise informed choices. Looking to IT for peace, love and joy vice allowing myself to me mired down in my humanity of doubt, worry, expectations and human suffering.
In the very early days of recovery the old timers would look at me and ask me if I thought it was; "all about me?", actually I would answer yes. They reminded me that maybe that was a little egotistical or narcissistic and I should mend my ways. Of course they were right at that time. Life may have evolved to the point where it is all about ME, noting that me is now ME.....not me. The little "me" has given for the most part, not all of it, way to the Higher "ME" and yes recovery is in fact all about "ME".
It seems to come down to the fact that as promised early in recovery that I would be given choices. Today I am afforded the opportunity to choose between racing dangerously around and through fear in life or choosing to take my time and allow the Guide in life to direct my efforts. It truly is in fact "All about ME!".
That means that it is time to close my eyes, open the screen of my imagination and see, smell and experiences in this present moment that I know are manifestations of God or IT in my life today during each "Present Moment". Namaskar'.
Love and Light,
richard aka ezduzit777 on Twitter
Now in later recovery, later? Hmmm, contented? Hmmmm long?, yeah, long recovery, some of my grandmothers old sayings are starting to actually make sense to me. Like the one; "you gotta stop and smell the roses." I know that roses could only smell in a present moment, certainly not in the past, for I can't be there and not in the future since I am not there yet.
I think that the term "roses" may be a reference to The Divine. The glorious smell of a rose just blooming in the cool morning can bring waves of joy, peace and love to mind quickly. Much the same as those quiet yet dynamic interior thoughts we can have of God or IT. Both actions can foster nearly identical feelings and thoughts. For so many years I would not, not could not, but would not stop long enough to enjoy Life, GOD or any physical beauty around me. Now today in long recovery I am learning that "smelling the roses" is the payoff for all the effort and tribulations of recovery.
In long recovery, and by the way, one does not have to wait for long recovery, "right now" would be a grand time", it is my choice each and every waking moment of just exactly what I want to experience in my daily life. It is through my perception that I "see" what is going on and thus make wise informed choices. Looking to IT for peace, love and joy vice allowing myself to me mired down in my humanity of doubt, worry, expectations and human suffering.
In the very early days of recovery the old timers would look at me and ask me if I thought it was; "all about me?", actually I would answer yes. They reminded me that maybe that was a little egotistical or narcissistic and I should mend my ways. Of course they were right at that time. Life may have evolved to the point where it is all about ME, noting that me is now ME.....not me. The little "me" has given for the most part, not all of it, way to the Higher "ME" and yes recovery is in fact all about "ME".
It seems to come down to the fact that as promised early in recovery that I would be given choices. Today I am afforded the opportunity to choose between racing dangerously around and through fear in life or choosing to take my time and allow the Guide in life to direct my efforts. It truly is in fact "All about ME!".
That means that it is time to close my eyes, open the screen of my imagination and see, smell and experiences in this present moment that I know are manifestations of God or IT in my life today during each "Present Moment". Namaskar'.
Love and Light,
richard aka ezduzit777 on Twitter
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
"Congruous? Sounds difficult to me!"
When entering into recovery, I slowly, very slowly had to deal with the fact that I had become a chameleon in life. Whatever it took in the present moment I would be. If life seemed like it wanted me to lie, I did. If life required me to stroke your ego, I did. No matter how badly I had to prostitute my morals or good character, I did what it took for me to survive. I actually had no moral compass nor had any clue which way morality lie. I was an empty shell of humanity existing at a human level and nothing else.
It was excruciating to have to admit I was not only "...powerless..." over anything, for I was of course a US Navy Chief Petty Officer. Powerless? Not in my vocabulary. Of course initially I was focused on "things" outside I might be "powerless" over. You people who knew what recovery was all about for you were living it, understood that I needed to realize I was "powerless over" that which caused my "powerlessness". My substance abuse was but a "...symptom of underlying problems". All those problems and symptoms were within, not without. I did not want to hear I, the inside of me was the problem. That meant I was inferior to my contemporaries, which at that time were in the "drunk tank" of life with me.
I was to find out that the phrase; "as within, so without..." was going to become a mantra in life for me. At first glance I did not understand it, then I fought it, then I ignored it. Seemed like the right thing to do at the time. The concept that something within me was going to dictate what was around me frankly just went over my head. What? For such a self thought smart guy I really was not that hip on what made me tick. Oh? God? Remember I had not even yet begun to reconcile that idea. There came the rub with this; "as within so without". Without a source or force to call upon to create my own reality, how could I? Ahhh, the beginning of understanding how I was powerless over everything within me for I had learned to operate from the wrong source within me. Get the right "source" and get well.
So here I was at the beginning of recovery just a solid mess of questions, fears, moral ills and unable to completely turn my life around. Completely? Who said I had to completely at the very first cut, had to change my life totally and completely? Of course I had said that to myself. Wrong. You ladies and gentleman urged me to accomplish one day at a time and one thought and idea at a time. You urged me to consider that the spiritual principles underlying the 12 steps would enable me to not only see the correct path to recovery of my "inside", they would provide the mechanics and build the want or desire to accomplish this life changing feat. Well now, good solid direction!
Day by day I began to look inward and realize that I was a mess. I was not able at any juncture to "walk my talk" more than a portion of an hour or day at the beginning. My entire existence had been fabricated on lies and untruths about myself and all of life which included you, humanity. I was a basket case of recovering emotions and spirituality for the first nearly 12 years of recovery. One day I was in tune, the next day out of balance. One year up, up, and away Superman of service and love for my fellow humanity and the next "Lucifer" himself. Around 20 years of working at this thing called emotional recovery leading to spiritual growth things started making sense. I began to be entirely honest with me and you. I began to understand what made me hip, slick and cool on the inside. It was of course the explosion of "light" I had seen in so many of you. I was beginning to sense, feel and pay attention to my own "light" and the source of that light was God as I understand "IT".
For the next 17 years of recovery I was called upon to starting an interior house cleaning process that would rival all others I had done. I would also have to become my own "observer" in life. I watched what I said. I became sensitive to what I was doing. I felt for my fellow human on a level I never knew existed. I was on "The Way" as they used say in the first days of my fellowship of recovery. I was beginning to live in balance. I was actually becoming "well" on a human level and on an interior basis. Recovery and beyond were my thoughts.
What does any of that have to do with today? I have determined from my own actions that all of this step stuff and recovery stuff leads me to a congruous or harmonious life. That would be harmony between the inner and outer worlds. I know that "I Am" in control of my Reality. I find only "I" can keep my Self in Harmony between "Heaven (inner) and Earth (outer). Of course all this occurs one breath, one moment, one minute, one hour, one day, one....etc. at a time. I need to be ever vigilante of my thoughts and actions that they are being congruous with the rest of Life. Congruous? My definition would differ from all the dictionary's in that I would call it "my perception" as view through the filters of "IT", the God of my understanding.
Suffering from a "progressive illness" reminds me that as quickly as I grow in "the Sunlight of the Spirit" my illness keeps pace. At an unconscious level both "IT" and my illness function, today it is my choice to give power to "IT" as opposed to my illness. That is the choice I was promised so many years ago and remains true today.
Love and Light,
richard
aka ezduzit777 on Twitter and
Richard Curtis on Facebook
It was excruciating to have to admit I was not only "...powerless..." over anything, for I was of course a US Navy Chief Petty Officer. Powerless? Not in my vocabulary. Of course initially I was focused on "things" outside I might be "powerless" over. You people who knew what recovery was all about for you were living it, understood that I needed to realize I was "powerless over" that which caused my "powerlessness". My substance abuse was but a "...symptom of underlying problems". All those problems and symptoms were within, not without. I did not want to hear I, the inside of me was the problem. That meant I was inferior to my contemporaries, which at that time were in the "drunk tank" of life with me.
I was to find out that the phrase; "as within, so without..." was going to become a mantra in life for me. At first glance I did not understand it, then I fought it, then I ignored it. Seemed like the right thing to do at the time. The concept that something within me was going to dictate what was around me frankly just went over my head. What? For such a self thought smart guy I really was not that hip on what made me tick. Oh? God? Remember I had not even yet begun to reconcile that idea. There came the rub with this; "as within so without". Without a source or force to call upon to create my own reality, how could I? Ahhh, the beginning of understanding how I was powerless over everything within me for I had learned to operate from the wrong source within me. Get the right "source" and get well.
So here I was at the beginning of recovery just a solid mess of questions, fears, moral ills and unable to completely turn my life around. Completely? Who said I had to completely at the very first cut, had to change my life totally and completely? Of course I had said that to myself. Wrong. You ladies and gentleman urged me to accomplish one day at a time and one thought and idea at a time. You urged me to consider that the spiritual principles underlying the 12 steps would enable me to not only see the correct path to recovery of my "inside", they would provide the mechanics and build the want or desire to accomplish this life changing feat. Well now, good solid direction!
Day by day I began to look inward and realize that I was a mess. I was not able at any juncture to "walk my talk" more than a portion of an hour or day at the beginning. My entire existence had been fabricated on lies and untruths about myself and all of life which included you, humanity. I was a basket case of recovering emotions and spirituality for the first nearly 12 years of recovery. One day I was in tune, the next day out of balance. One year up, up, and away Superman of service and love for my fellow humanity and the next "Lucifer" himself. Around 20 years of working at this thing called emotional recovery leading to spiritual growth things started making sense. I began to be entirely honest with me and you. I began to understand what made me hip, slick and cool on the inside. It was of course the explosion of "light" I had seen in so many of you. I was beginning to sense, feel and pay attention to my own "light" and the source of that light was God as I understand "IT".
For the next 17 years of recovery I was called upon to starting an interior house cleaning process that would rival all others I had done. I would also have to become my own "observer" in life. I watched what I said. I became sensitive to what I was doing. I felt for my fellow human on a level I never knew existed. I was on "The Way" as they used say in the first days of my fellowship of recovery. I was beginning to live in balance. I was actually becoming "well" on a human level and on an interior basis. Recovery and beyond were my thoughts.
What does any of that have to do with today? I have determined from my own actions that all of this step stuff and recovery stuff leads me to a congruous or harmonious life. That would be harmony between the inner and outer worlds. I know that "I Am" in control of my Reality. I find only "I" can keep my Self in Harmony between "Heaven (inner) and Earth (outer). Of course all this occurs one breath, one moment, one minute, one hour, one day, one....etc. at a time. I need to be ever vigilante of my thoughts and actions that they are being congruous with the rest of Life. Congruous? My definition would differ from all the dictionary's in that I would call it "my perception" as view through the filters of "IT", the God of my understanding.
Suffering from a "progressive illness" reminds me that as quickly as I grow in "the Sunlight of the Spirit" my illness keeps pace. At an unconscious level both "IT" and my illness function, today it is my choice to give power to "IT" as opposed to my illness. That is the choice I was promised so many years ago and remains true today.
Love and Light,
richard
aka ezduzit777 on Twitter and
Richard Curtis on Facebook
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