"The road to hell or how IT happens"

   So in the beginning, I like most all others in a recovery program struggled with how do I get well?  The program was truly the easier softer way.  Stop the addictive process, clean house, find God and love myself.  Fairly straight forward and easier than staying in my addiction.

   My mentors in recovery explained to me that I would once again return to my addiction in the reverse fashion of getting recovered.  So for years I have been watching people around me in the Fellowship and noticing what they were doing or not doing.  I wanted to know what it was like to go "back out" without having to actually do it.  Over the years I have in fact seen people develop certain behaviors that were indicative of "heading down the path".

   Spiritual pride seems to head the list.  That feeling that they were invincible and that as emissaries of God they could do no wrong and that in fact their Higher Power had sanctioned all they said and did. Seemed like that was the first noticeable trait.  This behavior was closely associated with the direct opposite or spiritual bankruptcy.  Many of the people who did "road work" for me, also had a complete loss of faith.  They just quit believing or seemed to be able to argue that HP did not work, at least for them.

   As these observable behaviors started manifesting in my friends,  I also noticed a definite and pronounced lack of "program activity".  For example they cut down on meetings, not calling people in home group, not communicating with mentors, not willing to give people rides to meetings.  This withdrawal from the "healing source" which is the support of HP through many, appears to be the most damaging behavior.  Once my friends had gotten to this point they had shut themselves off from all help both divine and human.  They no longer felt "the son-light of the Spirit".  The darkness of illness began to be the most prevalent feelings for them by now.  It appears that as they became more and more ill with their particular illness, the more and more they moved away from the aid of HP and all those that loved them.  Doomed is the word they used to describe this phase of relapse.

   This process was a serious eye opening experience for me.  I vividly remember the first time one of my home group members picked up her own personal "poison" after 23 years of recovery.  I was flabbergasted. I could not comprehend this occurrence.  Actually I think I finally got the message very deep within me for the very first time.  "This is what happens when you don't stay in recovery".  I was sad for her family and  I was very much brought to a  new awareness of the overall healing process.  I also remember vividly, the FIRST time one of my mentors aka sponsor, looked at me over coffee and said something like; "you my dear friend are on the road to hell".  In an instant all that I had studied in others and tried to keep in my conscious thinking flooded my mind.  Yes, he was right, I was on the road to hell and actually knew it.

   The final step for these beloved members of my home group was to begin to lash out and retreat when met or spoken to by their friends and peers.  I remember one man I sponsored and I dearly loved actually drove to my home and told me to lose his telephone number since he was just fine and did not need my help.  I was heart broken, for I knew what was going to be the next big event in his life.  I just knew it.  Yes, he decided 4 days later to end his life, and did.  Why could I not have helped?  What could I have done?  My mentors reminded me that I was not in charge of the Universe and must as best as possible accept the will of the Divine.  Hmmmmm, took a while for me to reconcile that one.

   So, what are the lessons learned here?  I think two fold.  One is that I have seen over and over what the process of becoming sick once again looks like.  I have watched and participated in many recoveries and many returns to illness.  I have studied, cataloged and written to memory what the signs look like.  Secondly, I have had to come to the awareness that as a rule, I of my own abilities am "Powerless" to stop this "road to hell" process.  I can certainly interact, warn, notify and then must sit and watch the Universe do what it knows best.  It is not up to me to make the person well.  It is up to me to be there if the person ever decides to get well.

   I am aware today that all the above thoughts and ideas certainly fit well and are appropriate for those persons suffering from some form of addictive substance or.  I am also very much aware that the thoughts and ideas also seem to fit reasonably well with some persons that while not addicted to a substance, they are indeed suffering from some form of neurosis.  The recovery process is nearly the same and the return to "insanity" also seems to fit well.

   So I have had to listen to that old cliche founded in scripture; "physician heal thyself" many many times in my head.  In the time I have been hanging around recovery circles I have had 3 very serious brushes with the "road to hell" concept. I have stood at the brink of doom and had to remind myself that I had the knowledge of how to stop my relapse.  In that instant all that is holy and divine became evident to me and I did the next right thing.  If you want to know what it is I did, leave me comment and ask me. :)

Love and Light,

richard
aka ezduzit777 on twitter
also on Facebook



 

 




 

I am but a grain of sand on a large beach? Hmmmmm

In one lifetime it seems so monumental to have made the swing of the pendulum from "nothing" to "everything" then back to "center".  Sounds cryptic?  Not really.

As a child and on into teenage and young adult years, I was trained, enabled and encouraged to be a "self contained person".  None of this training was done maliciously nor on purpose, it was just the way my "tribe" and circle of life lived.  Because of physical limitations such as most childhood allergies and some typical illnesses I was isolated a lot from school and a young society.  I developed a psyche that said; "I was everything unto myself".  I was told; "use your brains, you are smarter than most...".  I became very "self centered", how could I not?  I thought this was normal.  I thought everyone was like that.  With absentee parents because of working or suffering from their own malady, I was pretty much left to my own thoughts, Machiavellian or angelic as they were.

At a pre-teen ager I learned to use alcohol as an escape mechanism and really began to isolate in life. I was pretty much a loner and what acquaintances I did have had as many emotional or life problems as I did.  "Birds of a feather....", actually more like; "misery loves company!".  This type of life activity and thinking for the first 32 years of my life created a few glorious moments of fame and fortune and many many moments of self imposed misery and pain.  Unfortunately, those that loved me the most and were the closest to me, family and long term friends all 1 of them, suffered along with me whether they liked it or not.  So this period of my life I see as the pendulum swinging as low as it could possible go before death and I am strapped to it.  I had decided; "I am nothing!" and had been living in that manner.  Only way to go is up!  Onto recovery and life and hopefully the opposite of being "nothing".

So that is what happened and how I got here....next?  What occurred or what did I do to get me where I am now and then what it is like now with some depth....I hope.

Love and Light

richard

aka ezduzit777 on twitter

So, who really needed prayer?

   Early this morning I participated in a family prayer session at a  distance.  I was the father of the family and one of my children was facing extremely long delicate neurosurgery.  I felt like I had to do something important.  After all, I am the father, what would a father do in this case?

  Ever since coming to recovery and learned that prayer is supposed to work I have struggled with the idea that I am supposed to pray for others but that actually those prayers will more than likely be for me.  Sounds crazy eh? I have now experienced over and over many times in prayer for various reasons.  I have also learned from my mentors that prayer is actually for me to align or adapt myself to Gods Will.  I am the only one that can change my makeup as a human and I cannot change anyone else.  All those times I prayed for others I was really re-working my interior being to turn only to the Divine within.  I was also readying myself to receive a response to prayer.  Of course I needed to learn there were many many answers I could get.  Yes, no, maybe or even wait.
 
   So, in Its Infinite Wisdom the Most High made me just a little more aware of this prayer process the other night when praying with my family member.  I took charge the evening before and scheduled time with the loved one.  Scheduled?  Mandated I think, for I am the father that knows all and is in touch with Him....sigh.
My loved one being as savvy as they are just allowed me to bumble along.

   The next morning before surgery I set up the telephones, made ready the prayer time and thought and I just knew I was doing the right thing.  I contacted my loved one and then brought in the 3rd party for a prayer conference call.  What a marvelous prayer time.  Just what I needed to hear.  Nothing like live prayer.  It lifted me up to the Higher Consciousness I needed to be in and I just knew it would do the same for my loved child that was facing surgery.

   As the prayer session was brought a close I felt that as a  father and human being I had done the right thing for the right reason.  I felt good about "I".  Hmmm.  Should have taken that as a sign for myself.  When the third party prayer person had hung up the phone I asked my loved one how they felt.  Hello? Hello?  No response.  I thought well it was very relaxing and very quieting, quite possibly they had fallen asleep as they were driven to the hospital. Hello?  Hello!  Yikes, the telephone in my hand indicated there was no call in progress.  What?  How could that be?????????  I had done everything right!

   I re-called the number of my loved one and was told; "yes in fact they were asleep and had fallen asleep BEFORE any call was made!".  They missed it!  Instant egoic thinking on my part was; "how could they do this to ME when I had done so much to bring this about?".   Selfish to a deathly fault.  I then immediately went in to prayer for myself, I needed it. Wait, maybe that was the answer.

   My loved one had all the support they needed, had all their family around them, had consulted many doctors and was comfortable with the surgery.  They were ready and prayer up and on the way. The one who needed Gods Infinite support and love at this second was ME!  This whole prayer thing this morning was a ruse by God to get me to turn to Him.  The answer to all my affairs in life is turning to God.  Again, for me to turn to God.  I should not think for a  second that means others in my do or do not.  It is truly none of my business.  Wow, over a half lifetime at this recovery stuff and still being shown new and wondrous things by "babes".  In particular, one of my babies.

  Who really needed prayer?  The only one that I can impact directly on. Me.  By the way, the surgery was a total 10 hour success and the patient is moving on and along with their life in a truly remarkable fashion.  Always a lesson for me to learn.  Thank you God.

Love and Light,
richard
aka ezduzit777