This blog is an effort to describe how my life has evolved over the last 4 decades plus while participating in a 12 Step program. What began as a simple recovery effort has opened up in my life as something that is far greater than just 12 Steps. It is called "LIFE!".
Saturday, July 9, 2011
I am but a grain of sand on a large beach? Hmmmmm
In one lifetime it seems so monumental to have made the swing of the pendulum from "nothing" to "everything" then back to "center". Sounds cryptic? Not really.
As a child and on into teenage and young adult years, I was trained, enabled and encouraged to be a "self contained person". None of this training was done maliciously nor on purpose, it was just the way my "tribe" and circle of life lived. Because of physical limitations such as most childhood allergies and some typical illnesses I was isolated a lot from school and a young society. I developed a psyche that said; "I was everything unto myself". I was told; "use your brains, you are smarter than most...". I became very "self centered", how could I not? I thought this was normal. I thought everyone was like that. With absentee parents because of working or suffering from their own malady, I was pretty much left to my own thoughts, Machiavellian or angelic as they were.
At a pre-teen ager I learned to use alcohol as an escape mechanism and really began to isolate in life. I was pretty much a loner and what acquaintances I did have had as many emotional or life problems as I did. "Birds of a feather....", actually more like; "misery loves company!". This type of life activity and thinking for the first 32 years of my life created a few glorious moments of fame and fortune and many many moments of self imposed misery and pain. Unfortunately, those that loved me the most and were the closest to me, family and long term friends all 1 of them, suffered along with me whether they liked it or not. So this period of my life I see as the pendulum swinging as low as it could possible go before death and I am strapped to it. I had decided; "I am nothing!" and had been living in that manner. Only way to go is up! Onto recovery and life and hopefully the opposite of being "nothing".
So that is what happened and how I got here....next? What occurred or what did I do to get me where I am now and then what it is like now with some depth....I hope.