Sunday, June 10, 2012

Decisions Anyone???

     It has became apparent in the most recent of times that either I make decisions, informed decisions for myself or someone or something else will make them for me.  I may not like the decisions that are made for me.

     While practicing my active addiction my only decisions were based on near real time and solely were made in  support of that active addiction.  Things like; where is my next drink, what will I need to do to get that drink, do I really care what I am supposed to be doing while I drink, do I care what the ramifications are of my drinking, and the list went on and on.

     My life at that time was actually more of the decisions I did not make rather than the decisions I did make.  I had a horrendous fear of making any decisions for myself or anyone else which would make me responsible for the outcome of that decision.  I would let things happen no matter how good, bad, or ugly they were rather than actually make a decision.  When others made the life decisions for me and they turned out right, I somehow made sure I got the credit.  Yeah.  Guess who got the credit when it all turned out wrong?  Not me!

     Ok.  So we get recovered of some form and now I gotta grow up....argggggg.  Grownups make decisions, informed decisions.  No wayyyyy.  This process once again threatened me with having to take responsibility for my own life and own decisions.  Not a favorite pass time of mine.  So through the natural recovery process I begin to rely upon a Power Greater than Myself and IT seems to be doing well at helping me find decisions.  "...we will intuitively know how to handle situations..." was just what I needed.s

     To be honest, and I am, I did not start making really wise or informed decisions until nearly 2 decades of sobriety.  Even then my decisions were not of the best kind.  At least I was making them.  Every time I made a good and wise decision I seemed to catalog how I did it, what it was like and how to do it again.  Some would call this learning.  Another new subject for me.

      Now days I make every attempt to utilize one of the best slogans of the program; "Think, Think, Think".  Do my homework.  Make inquiries.  Meditate.  Mentor with my adviser's either in or out of recovery.  If possible wait an appropriate amount of time.  Wow....this stuff really works.  Do I sometimes make not so good decisions?  Yes.  I am but a fallible human and will always be saddled with that.  I sure do make less not good decisions today than I ever ever did.

     My latest triumphant decision?  I started this article over 4 weeks ago.  I could never get past the title.  I had not made a decision that I wanted to reveal  just another portion of me to the world.  My friend Michelle over at "Bleeding Espresso" helped me uncork the feelings and make a wise and good decision to move ahead and be what I can be.  Thank you Michelle for your personal demonstration.

     Next big one coming down the line? Sighhhh.  Will it be strawberry icy bars or pudding cups?  Gonna think on this for, well just a bit.

Love and Light,
follow me on twitter as ezduzit777

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