I often wonder what faction is in control of my mind. Is it "who" which is my humanity and the committee or the "What" which is the Divine of Me. As I write the last two sentences it dawns on me that I never have to guess, I really always know.
When I ponder this question it usually means that "me, my ego, or the committee" is in full session and I do not want to acknowledge that. It never feels good to have to admit to myself that once again I have pulled a power play mentally and taken back my will and my life. That is a sign of my illness and of my lack of character in the moment. All the moments I have allowed The Divine or "What" control are wiped out and I must admit to being crazy one more time......not a fun thing. The only bright spot in this process is the idea that I will consciously let go of my thought process and let The Light of God spill into my present moment mind. All this thinking process takes place at the speed of the mind. From sanity to insanity in one thought.
As I feel new life rush into me and the old thought and feeling leave, I know that I have returned to that place that some called sobriety. I prefer to call it "my natural state". That state of mind which I was at birth or possibly even before. That perfect "love" feeling and thinking of a newborn child. This is not only possible on a moment to moment basis, it is the goal in my life.
The one day at a time concept has taken on the meaning of one thought at a time for me. Life can be fast paced and hectic yet my thinking can always be divinely inspired or controlled, that is my choice. I can bask in the sunlight of the spirit or listen and feel the abhorrent power of "the committee" which is chaired by a mumbling old politician name "Dr. K." That mumbling and feeling of powerlessness is truly a maddening feeling and one that I work at to not feel.
So, to answer the question of this blog; "What" is in charge at this moment and "who" has subjected itself to "What" and is writing this blog item. "who" knows if and when the process could change but "What" is always up to the occasion. The concept of "What and who" is as old as man and just for today is resolved in the favor of "What".
This concept was originally spoken some 50 - 60 yrs ago by Dr. Tom the dentist from Baton Rouge, La. Thank you Dr. Tom for being.
Love and Light,
richard aka "who" or
ezduzit777 on twitter
Monday, June 13, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
So, who really needed prayer?
Early this morning I participated in a family prayer session at a distance. I was the father of the family and one of my children was facing extremely long delicate neurosurgery. I felt like I had to do something important. After all, I am the father, what would a father do in this case?
Ever since coming to recovery and learned that prayer is supposed to work I have struggled with the idea that I am supposed to pray for others but that actually those prayers will more than likely be for me. Sounds crazy eh? I have now experienced over and over many times in prayer for various reasons. I have also learned from my mentors that prayer is actually for me to align or adapt myself to Gods Will. I am the only one that can change my makeup as a human and I cannot change anyone else. All those times I prayed for others I was really re-working my interior being to turn only to the Divine within. I was also readying myself to receive a response to prayer. Of course I needed to learn there were many many answers I could get. Yes, no, maybe or even wait.
So, in Its Infinite Wisdom the Most High made me just a little more aware of this prayer process the other night when praying with my family member. I took charge the evening before and scheduled time with the loved one. Scheduled? Mandated I think, for I am the father that knows all and is in touch with Him....sigh.
My loved one being as savvy as they are just allowed me to bumble along.
The next morning before surgery I set up the telephones, made ready the prayer time and thought and I just knew I was doing the right thing. I contacted my loved one and then brought in the 3rd party for a prayer conference call. What a marvelous prayer time. Just what I needed to hear. Nothing like live prayer. It lifted me up to the Higher Consciousness I needed to be in and I just knew it would do the same for my loved child that was facing surgery.
As the prayer session was brought a close I felt that as a father and human being I had done the right thing for the right reason. I felt good about "I". Hmmm. Should have taken that as a sign for myself. When the third party prayer person had hung up the phone I asked my loved one how they felt. Hello? Hello? No response. I thought well it was very relaxing and very quieting, quite possibly they had fallen asleep as they were driven to the hospital. Hello? Hello! Yikes, the telephone in my hand indicated there was no call in progress. What? How could that be????????? I had done everything right!
I re-called the number of my loved one and was told; "yes in fact they were asleep and had fallen asleep BEFORE any call was made!". They missed it! Instant egoic thinking on my part was; "how could they do this to ME when I had done so much to bring this about?". Selfish to a deathly fault. I then immediately went in to prayer for myself, I needed it. Wait, maybe that was the answer.
My loved one had all the support they needed, had all their family around them, had consulted many doctors and was comfortable with the surgery. They were ready and prayer up and on the way. The one who needed Gods Infinite support and love at this second was ME! This whole prayer thing this morning was a ruse by God to get me to turn to Him. The answer to all my affairs in life is turning to God. Again, for me to turn to God. I should not think for a second that means others in my do or do not. It is truly none of my business. Wow, over a half lifetime at this recovery stuff and still being shown new and wondrous things by "babes". In particular, one of my babies.
Who really needed prayer? The only one that I can impact directly on. Me. By the way, the surgery was a total 10 hour success and the patient is moving on and along with their life in a truly remarkable fashion. Always a lesson for me to learn. Thank you God.
Love and Light,
richard
aka ezduzit777
Ever since coming to recovery and learned that prayer is supposed to work I have struggled with the idea that I am supposed to pray for others but that actually those prayers will more than likely be for me. Sounds crazy eh? I have now experienced over and over many times in prayer for various reasons. I have also learned from my mentors that prayer is actually for me to align or adapt myself to Gods Will. I am the only one that can change my makeup as a human and I cannot change anyone else. All those times I prayed for others I was really re-working my interior being to turn only to the Divine within. I was also readying myself to receive a response to prayer. Of course I needed to learn there were many many answers I could get. Yes, no, maybe or even wait.
So, in Its Infinite Wisdom the Most High made me just a little more aware of this prayer process the other night when praying with my family member. I took charge the evening before and scheduled time with the loved one. Scheduled? Mandated I think, for I am the father that knows all and is in touch with Him....sigh.
My loved one being as savvy as they are just allowed me to bumble along.
The next morning before surgery I set up the telephones, made ready the prayer time and thought and I just knew I was doing the right thing. I contacted my loved one and then brought in the 3rd party for a prayer conference call. What a marvelous prayer time. Just what I needed to hear. Nothing like live prayer. It lifted me up to the Higher Consciousness I needed to be in and I just knew it would do the same for my loved child that was facing surgery.
As the prayer session was brought a close I felt that as a father and human being I had done the right thing for the right reason. I felt good about "I". Hmmm. Should have taken that as a sign for myself. When the third party prayer person had hung up the phone I asked my loved one how they felt. Hello? Hello? No response. I thought well it was very relaxing and very quieting, quite possibly they had fallen asleep as they were driven to the hospital. Hello? Hello! Yikes, the telephone in my hand indicated there was no call in progress. What? How could that be????????? I had done everything right!
I re-called the number of my loved one and was told; "yes in fact they were asleep and had fallen asleep BEFORE any call was made!". They missed it! Instant egoic thinking on my part was; "how could they do this to ME when I had done so much to bring this about?". Selfish to a deathly fault. I then immediately went in to prayer for myself, I needed it. Wait, maybe that was the answer.
My loved one had all the support they needed, had all their family around them, had consulted many doctors and was comfortable with the surgery. They were ready and prayer up and on the way. The one who needed Gods Infinite support and love at this second was ME! This whole prayer thing this morning was a ruse by God to get me to turn to Him. The answer to all my affairs in life is turning to God. Again, for me to turn to God. I should not think for a second that means others in my do or do not. It is truly none of my business. Wow, over a half lifetime at this recovery stuff and still being shown new and wondrous things by "babes". In particular, one of my babies.
Who really needed prayer? The only one that I can impact directly on. Me. By the way, the surgery was a total 10 hour success and the patient is moving on and along with their life in a truly remarkable fashion. Always a lesson for me to learn. Thank you God.
Love and Light,
richard
aka ezduzit777
Saturday, May 21, 2011
"...only a belief in a Power Greater than himself...."
Usually 2 categories of persons recognize this partial quote from the text Alcoholics Anonymous.
One is the those Big Book Thumpers which is a description of those persons who not only study, well after all it is a "text" the Big Book in depth, and they usually do not miss an opportunity to share their wealth of knowledge, down to the colons and semi-colons. This is also where I should define Big Book. Yes it is the blue book titled Alcoholics Anonymous, yet when I speak of Big Book Thumpers I usually am speaking of those persons who devote themselves to the first 164 pages of the book. That is the portion referred to as a text and is the original, well almost original verbiage of the text.
Second we have those persons in the fellowship that have paid attention only when their sobriety, happiness, or even life is on the line. Remember, we are speaking of a last ditch effort to resolve or absolve ourselves of some terrible self made problem. Hmmmm, usually, no, always self made. This is where fox hole praying seems to be the mode of prayer. You know, "Dear God, I am desperate, help me and I will (fill in the blank) for you". Most persons at this stage of sober life seem to inherently understand the word "only". That means, well, ONLY!. No room for wheedling or cajoling or deal making. It is now or never. Either get it now or get whatever it is you have conjured up for yourself. God at this point is the ONLY solution. Wow, think of that, this occurs at the end of the 3rd step.
Now here is the kicker for those of us that have lonnnnng term non drinking (some even use the word sobriety here). This position of being between a rock and a hard place and needing Divine Aid immediately, happens to those that don't drink for long times and choose to live their lives just as they want to. Not as they should using the 12 principles they learned so long ago. Being human and acting human is a condition that does not go away with time not drinking.
I don't care how many meetings I have went to, how many persons I have sponsored, how many sponsors I have outlived (7 as of this writing), how many prayers, how many hours of meditation, times of service work, just about any tool of sobriety I have learned, if I live my life in a fearful humanistic manner I am vulnerable to all the consequences of my actions and will once again find myself at this point of; "...once again only a belief in a Power Greater than Myself....".
Many years ago I had thoughts, ideas and aspirations that I would one day live the life of a, hmmm, totally empowered Divine Creature and wouldn't have to worry about all this insane thinking a neurotic recovering alcoholic is capable of. Just doesn't work that way at all, it just doesn't. I am me regardless of that which I feel I have grown out of or to.
So what have I found beyond the active 12 Steps that I can use today? I choose to live at that point of "belief" spoke of in this last para of Chapter 3. I try to be there in each present moment during each breath. This ensures that I never have to immediately go to this point depending on my activities of life, I am always there. Never saw this coming in the beginning of this program life. It is indeed the exact place I should be at to enjoy life and all that comes with life. This allows me to set God equal to Life. Life is Good.
Love and Light,
richard
aka ezduzit777
One is the those Big Book Thumpers which is a description of those persons who not only study, well after all it is a "text" the Big Book in depth, and they usually do not miss an opportunity to share their wealth of knowledge, down to the colons and semi-colons. This is also where I should define Big Book. Yes it is the blue book titled Alcoholics Anonymous, yet when I speak of Big Book Thumpers I usually am speaking of those persons who devote themselves to the first 164 pages of the book. That is the portion referred to as a text and is the original, well almost original verbiage of the text.
Second we have those persons in the fellowship that have paid attention only when their sobriety, happiness, or even life is on the line. Remember, we are speaking of a last ditch effort to resolve or absolve ourselves of some terrible self made problem. Hmmmm, usually, no, always self made. This is where fox hole praying seems to be the mode of prayer. You know, "Dear God, I am desperate, help me and I will (fill in the blank) for you". Most persons at this stage of sober life seem to inherently understand the word "only". That means, well, ONLY!. No room for wheedling or cajoling or deal making. It is now or never. Either get it now or get whatever it is you have conjured up for yourself. God at this point is the ONLY solution. Wow, think of that, this occurs at the end of the 3rd step.
Now here is the kicker for those of us that have lonnnnng term non drinking (some even use the word sobriety here). This position of being between a rock and a hard place and needing Divine Aid immediately, happens to those that don't drink for long times and choose to live their lives just as they want to. Not as they should using the 12 principles they learned so long ago. Being human and acting human is a condition that does not go away with time not drinking.
I don't care how many meetings I have went to, how many persons I have sponsored, how many sponsors I have outlived (7 as of this writing), how many prayers, how many hours of meditation, times of service work, just about any tool of sobriety I have learned, if I live my life in a fearful humanistic manner I am vulnerable to all the consequences of my actions and will once again find myself at this point of; "...once again only a belief in a Power Greater than Myself....".
Many years ago I had thoughts, ideas and aspirations that I would one day live the life of a, hmmm, totally empowered Divine Creature and wouldn't have to worry about all this insane thinking a neurotic recovering alcoholic is capable of. Just doesn't work that way at all, it just doesn't. I am me regardless of that which I feel I have grown out of or to.
So what have I found beyond the active 12 Steps that I can use today? I choose to live at that point of "belief" spoke of in this last para of Chapter 3. I try to be there in each present moment during each breath. This ensures that I never have to immediately go to this point depending on my activities of life, I am always there. Never saw this coming in the beginning of this program life. It is indeed the exact place I should be at to enjoy life and all that comes with life. This allows me to set God equal to Life. Life is Good.
Love and Light,
richard
aka ezduzit777
Monday, April 11, 2011
"Us vs Them or What is this earth people stuff?"
Ever hear someone around a recovery table say something like; "those earth people..." or maybe; "they......" meaning people outside of the rooms, you know the ones whom we are not like, the ones who are the majority of the human race.
Once I finally made it to recovery, it was a small step to being darned near perfect, a legend in my own mind. When I adopted this attitude, obviously no one outside of recovery could measure up to my "high" standards. Why they didn't even have 12 Steps. Did they even have a "HP"? So I became a "those people" or "earth people" name caller. I was pretty much the example in the rooms of recovery at that time.
My sponsor one day asked me if I felt just a little superior to "those people". Of course, was he kidding? Sure. I didn't drink, I had a HP, I went to meetings, I had a sponsor (although at that second he was under suspicion) and I had cleaned my act up, well pretty much. It was at this time he pretty much laughed in my face and told me told "keep coming back" and maybe I would get better and survive myself. What the heck does that mean?
I began to really listen and watch people who used those terms; "earth people, etc). This was not a good feeling. They said it pretty much like I did, kind of spitting it out or with a huge dose of pity. Did not sound good at all. I started to review just who/whom those persons were that we had judged.....hmmmmm children of mine, wife, friends, co-workers. I liked all these people and loved them truly. I started to get the feeling that I was a sick and recovering person in a small fellowship and looking out into the world at all of humanity. They were and had been doing all the things in life I had wanted to or still wanted to. Healthy relationships, active honest parenting, higher level schooling, elevated job status......wow they seemed to have it all.
In my second 4th Step I discovered that I was in fact "coveting or envying" the life that most of those people had. I didn't have what they had. I did not readily know how to get it either. How dare I demean them (earth people?) because of my inability to grow up and mature as a normal adult. This revelation made a huge difference in my life. I was suffering from an illness and sick and yet my ego wanted me to say; "ahhh those people!" How dare I.
I became much more tolerant and loving of "....those about me." and a little less tolerant of recovery people who wanted to bash the rest of the human race. I had been ostracized by humanity by being asked to step out of the mainstream of life based on my actions in life while abusing substances. Now I was striving to grow up, mature, recover and re-join the human race. What a thrill! To be accepted by everyone as me. To be part of the great whole instead a small part of the ailing community I was in.
Today I seem to be somewhat in balance. I have a solid 12 Step foundation for living which was given to me at early recovery. I am pretty well accepted in my work, church, and societal areas of life. I enjoy and love my fellowship and all that goes with that. Conversely, I also enjoy and love life that is mainstream humanity. I suspect this means that one day at a time I have the chance to be called "a normal human being" or maybe even "one of those people!". Wow, yet another goal met by the Creative Force of Life.
Love and Light,
richard aka ezduzit777
Once I finally made it to recovery, it was a small step to being darned near perfect, a legend in my own mind. When I adopted this attitude, obviously no one outside of recovery could measure up to my "high" standards. Why they didn't even have 12 Steps. Did they even have a "HP"? So I became a "those people" or "earth people" name caller. I was pretty much the example in the rooms of recovery at that time.
My sponsor one day asked me if I felt just a little superior to "those people". Of course, was he kidding? Sure. I didn't drink, I had a HP, I went to meetings, I had a sponsor (although at that second he was under suspicion) and I had cleaned my act up, well pretty much. It was at this time he pretty much laughed in my face and told me told "keep coming back" and maybe I would get better and survive myself. What the heck does that mean?
I began to really listen and watch people who used those terms; "earth people, etc). This was not a good feeling. They said it pretty much like I did, kind of spitting it out or with a huge dose of pity. Did not sound good at all. I started to review just who/whom those persons were that we had judged.....hmmmmm children of mine, wife, friends, co-workers. I liked all these people and loved them truly. I started to get the feeling that I was a sick and recovering person in a small fellowship and looking out into the world at all of humanity. They were and had been doing all the things in life I had wanted to or still wanted to. Healthy relationships, active honest parenting, higher level schooling, elevated job status......wow they seemed to have it all.
In my second 4th Step I discovered that I was in fact "coveting or envying" the life that most of those people had. I didn't have what they had. I did not readily know how to get it either. How dare I demean them (earth people?) because of my inability to grow up and mature as a normal adult. This revelation made a huge difference in my life. I was suffering from an illness and sick and yet my ego wanted me to say; "ahhh those people!" How dare I.
I became much more tolerant and loving of "....those about me." and a little less tolerant of recovery people who wanted to bash the rest of the human race. I had been ostracized by humanity by being asked to step out of the mainstream of life based on my actions in life while abusing substances. Now I was striving to grow up, mature, recover and re-join the human race. What a thrill! To be accepted by everyone as me. To be part of the great whole instead a small part of the ailing community I was in.
Today I seem to be somewhat in balance. I have a solid 12 Step foundation for living which was given to me at early recovery. I am pretty well accepted in my work, church, and societal areas of life. I enjoy and love my fellowship and all that goes with that. Conversely, I also enjoy and love life that is mainstream humanity. I suspect this means that one day at a time I have the chance to be called "a normal human being" or maybe even "one of those people!". Wow, yet another goal met by the Creative Force of Life.
Love and Light,
richard aka ezduzit777
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Humility is ___!
This may once again be one of the most nebulous words not only in the 12 Step fellowships, but any spiritually motivated gathering. To grasp this thought, feeling or concept may be a life endeavor and probably will be for persons of my ilk. Or, "crash, bam, alla kazam, out of an orange colored sky" the realization could come in a present moment. To even write about this word seems like I am being falsely humble. Tough concept I think.
When I first entered these rooms of recovery I smugly held that I knew quite well what this "humility" thing was all about. After all I was a humble dude most all of the time, or so I thought. I was to find in the upcoming decades of recovery that I had a lot to learn. An awfully lot to learn. And, maybe even more to un-learn. I had been given quite a few lessons in life by my "tribe" and probably none of them fit well with the idea of being humble. This thing, "humiity" is one of the largest most life changing concepts I was to grapple with and is far and wide bigger and bolder than anything I could think of greater in scope that the 12 Steps. In fact it is entirely possible as I look at it now, that the 12 Steps are actually merely stepping stones to humility and at the least a mechanism for us to start manifesting that natural spirit of Life we all have and truly want to be.
So all this background brings me to the big question. What is, how is, this thing called humility? I honestly may not be able to articulate this.....hmmm, is that false spiritual pride? Maybe. Ok. Yes, on many occasions I feel totally devoted to and 100% a part of the Spirit of Life which is what I call God or "IT". My, my, my, I actually said it out loud in public and am still standing.....amazing. Feels pretty good. In all seriousness, I have been guided to not really speak of this subject much . It kind of had a hush hush feeling to it. The kind of subject and discussion one would have in the back corners of an abbey somewhere. Now days, I am very happy to speak out loud of my God, She, He, IT is firstt in my life and should be a huge part of my thinking, speaking and writing at the appropriate moments, like now.
At one time I was asked by a young sponsee one time how he could begin to demonstrate the qualities of humility and loving kindness. My answer to him was; "love God more than yourself". Good thinking and just maybe the exact course I should take each present moment of my life today. Love IT (God) more than I love myself.
I make the distinction here that I am speaking of the ego "self" or personality "self". That portion of me which seems to want to always interfere with my progress in achieving "God consciousness or Self Realization". I normally refer to this portion of my existence as "the little me, the little i, or little self". Everything else is capitalized and reserved for IT. Oh oh, did I just start the premise of "duality"? We will hold that idea for another article. This awareness of the BIG and little me gives me the opportunity to stay awake in the present moment and think just "what" am I serving at the moment. If the present moment decision is that I am "self" serving, the the command is "STOP IT" and love IT more than your "self".
So, bottom line? It would appear that today my own inherent guidance to my young friend; "love God more than yourself" is right on. If I will strive and achieve this relationship as much as possible, I believe I will be portraying, displaying, manifesting or Being the state of being humble. If I am being humble then I can say that I in a present moment have in fact achieved humility.
Do I accomplish the desired relationship of loving IT more than myself all the time? No. Is it possible? I think so. History shows us examples of humans who are thought today of having been "humble". Am I putting myself in that category? Yes. It seems to me that if any human being is demonstrating humility, regardless of Julian Date, then they are all in the same category, they are humble.
Am I being "un-humble" for writing and saying all of the above? Hmmm, wait a minute this is where I started I think. I all humility this may be a great place to end this entry.
Love and Light,
Richard
PS: Catch me live on Dr. Anna Shouse's Unity FM Recovery talk show on 5 April 2011 at 5PM EST
http://unity.fm/program/SpiritOfRecovery
When I first entered these rooms of recovery I smugly held that I knew quite well what this "humility" thing was all about. After all I was a humble dude most all of the time, or so I thought. I was to find in the upcoming decades of recovery that I had a lot to learn. An awfully lot to learn. And, maybe even more to un-learn. I had been given quite a few lessons in life by my "tribe" and probably none of them fit well with the idea of being humble. This thing, "humiity" is one of the largest most life changing concepts I was to grapple with and is far and wide bigger and bolder than anything I could think of greater in scope that the 12 Steps. In fact it is entirely possible as I look at it now, that the 12 Steps are actually merely stepping stones to humility and at the least a mechanism for us to start manifesting that natural spirit of Life we all have and truly want to be.
So as I was meandering through life trying to be spiritual and/or humble I started trying to formulate an idea of what humility was and how did it act or look in me. Yeah. Ok. I had no clue. Then when I started talking about it and asking questions I was told that I may want to check out spiritual pride which is the opposite for I may have been acting out those characteristics. This was going to be one of those life efforts that just wasn't going to be easy. And of course, "...the easier softer way" was my way of life.
One day which probably was really 10 years or so long I made an internal discovery. As I sat in the very best attempt I could at meditating, I began to feel a "...peace that passes all human (my) understanding...!", I was becoming aware of my own Divinity during this time (why are you laughing? aren't we all children of the Most High? Therefore, Divine!) and was truly beginning to like and want more of these interior feelings. The more I gave up of myself the more I felt the Presence of the One and Only Power, God. The shear enormity of what I was discovering was actually overwhelming to me. I had never been big on religion or spirituality and now I was headed for humility? Wow.
So all this background brings me to the big question. What is, how is, this thing called humility? I honestly may not be able to articulate this.....hmmm, is that false spiritual pride? Maybe. Ok. Yes, on many occasions I feel totally devoted to and 100% a part of the Spirit of Life which is what I call God or "IT". My, my, my, I actually said it out loud in public and am still standing.....amazing. Feels pretty good. In all seriousness, I have been guided to not really speak of this subject much . It kind of had a hush hush feeling to it. The kind of subject and discussion one would have in the back corners of an abbey somewhere. Now days, I am very happy to speak out loud of my God, She, He, IT is firstt in my life and should be a huge part of my thinking, speaking and writing at the appropriate moments, like now.
At one time I was asked by a young sponsee one time how he could begin to demonstrate the qualities of humility and loving kindness. My answer to him was; "love God more than yourself". Good thinking and just maybe the exact course I should take each present moment of my life today. Love IT (God) more than I love myself.
I make the distinction here that I am speaking of the ego "self" or personality "self". That portion of me which seems to want to always interfere with my progress in achieving "God consciousness or Self Realization". I normally refer to this portion of my existence as "the little me, the little i, or little self". Everything else is capitalized and reserved for IT. Oh oh, did I just start the premise of "duality"? We will hold that idea for another article. This awareness of the BIG and little me gives me the opportunity to stay awake in the present moment and think just "what" am I serving at the moment. If the present moment decision is that I am "self" serving, the the command is "STOP IT" and love IT more than your "self".
So, bottom line? It would appear that today my own inherent guidance to my young friend; "love God more than yourself" is right on. If I will strive and achieve this relationship as much as possible, I believe I will be portraying, displaying, manifesting or Being the state of being humble. If I am being humble then I can say that I in a present moment have in fact achieved humility.
Do I accomplish the desired relationship of loving IT more than myself all the time? No. Is it possible? I think so. History shows us examples of humans who are thought today of having been "humble". Am I putting myself in that category? Yes. It seems to me that if any human being is demonstrating humility, regardless of Julian Date, then they are all in the same category, they are humble.
Am I being "un-humble" for writing and saying all of the above? Hmmm, wait a minute this is where I started I think. I all humility this may be a great place to end this entry.
Love and Light,
Richard
PS: Catch me live on Dr. Anna Shouse's Unity FM Recovery talk show on 5 April 2011 at 5PM EST
http://unity.fm/program/SpiritOfRecovery
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Honesty? Never was my strong game
When I was young I fell into the ways of not being quite truthful....okay I lied a lot.
I was very sick physically most of my first 10 years alive and was told to use my intelligence for I showed signs of being a bright child and also to use my imagination to while away spare or dead time. Grandparents and parents were busy making a living and did not have a lot of time for a sickly child who could not go to school always. So I learned quickly in life to fantasize and even lie to get attention or to justify things I may be doing or had done. As most of us have learned, the habits we adopt as young children have a way of following us in to adulthood, especially the bad ones.
As life moved on and I aged into pre-teen and adolescence my habits get getting worse and then I added dependency on the chemical ETOH for emotional support and problem solving. Adding fuel to an assortment of abhorrent behavior was not the smartest thing I could have or should have done. My reality world was becoming limited to my fantasy world and life of deceit and lies. Embellishment was a way of life and most around me recognized that. I refused to be honest and through denial got worse by the year.
The very first in-depth honesty of any sort I can remember as an adult, well as an older person, was when although I had not drank for over 6 months, I asked the U.S. Navy to put me in treatment for my illness in the fall of 1974. For just a moment in life I actually felt clean and pure inside, a feeling I had given up long ago as a child. I had given up a lot of child like qualities long before normal people do. I did not get old before my time, I had quit maturing long before my peers.
As I entered and subsequently became involved in my Fellowship, the word "honestly" came to my ears a lot. At first I thought; "yeah that's cool". Then I got it! They wanted me to honest "in all my affairs"......I don't think so. As it turns out, this honesty was to be the saving grace of my life, as it is even today. As with most great ideas in my life I resisted the totality of what I was expected to accomplish in recovery. All the time? With everyone? In every situation? Nope, not gonna do that. That would make me vulnerable and that was not a state of being I was ready for. They told me that honesty was a display of Spirituality. No wonder I knew nothing of it, I knew nothing of being a spiritual person.
Well you can see what was gonna happen here. I was making an effort to learn of a Power Greater than myself but not changing all my ways. Not even most of them. This provides conflict in a person which now could not be resolved using a chemical or substance. It had to be "au naturel".
An so after numerous days, weeks, months, years, decades we come to "Present Moment". I believe that I have caused myself so much agony over the last decades that at least in this present moment I am cognizant of my honesty, rigorous or otherwise, being a manifestation of the Divine within me. I can only be honest in this present moment and I can only touch my God in this present moment. so finally I have a grasp of what it takes to be honest in life. Not any type or form of honesty, just honest.
It takes a continuous day by day, breath by breath conscious contact with God as I understand IT. It takes every tool, every suggestion ever honest moment I have to bring about this natural process of being honest. For this I am truly grateful. Do I slip? Yes. do I like that? Absolutely not. Do I treat it very much like taking a drink of alcohol? Totally! Any deviation from my God is in fact in my mind a drunken spree of a short or long duration. Spiritual and emotional sobriety depend totally on me Being. Honesty absolutely depends on me totally Being. There is no other process in life, only Being One with The One. As that occurs all things great and small become manifest in my life. Honest, they do.
Love and Light,
richard
I was very sick physically most of my first 10 years alive and was told to use my intelligence for I showed signs of being a bright child and also to use my imagination to while away spare or dead time. Grandparents and parents were busy making a living and did not have a lot of time for a sickly child who could not go to school always. So I learned quickly in life to fantasize and even lie to get attention or to justify things I may be doing or had done. As most of us have learned, the habits we adopt as young children have a way of following us in to adulthood, especially the bad ones.
As life moved on and I aged into pre-teen and adolescence my habits get getting worse and then I added dependency on the chemical ETOH for emotional support and problem solving. Adding fuel to an assortment of abhorrent behavior was not the smartest thing I could have or should have done. My reality world was becoming limited to my fantasy world and life of deceit and lies. Embellishment was a way of life and most around me recognized that. I refused to be honest and through denial got worse by the year.
The very first in-depth honesty of any sort I can remember as an adult, well as an older person, was when although I had not drank for over 6 months, I asked the U.S. Navy to put me in treatment for my illness in the fall of 1974. For just a moment in life I actually felt clean and pure inside, a feeling I had given up long ago as a child. I had given up a lot of child like qualities long before normal people do. I did not get old before my time, I had quit maturing long before my peers.
As I entered and subsequently became involved in my Fellowship, the word "honestly" came to my ears a lot. At first I thought; "yeah that's cool". Then I got it! They wanted me to honest "in all my affairs"......I don't think so. As it turns out, this honesty was to be the saving grace of my life, as it is even today. As with most great ideas in my life I resisted the totality of what I was expected to accomplish in recovery. All the time? With everyone? In every situation? Nope, not gonna do that. That would make me vulnerable and that was not a state of being I was ready for. They told me that honesty was a display of Spirituality. No wonder I knew nothing of it, I knew nothing of being a spiritual person.
Well you can see what was gonna happen here. I was making an effort to learn of a Power Greater than myself but not changing all my ways. Not even most of them. This provides conflict in a person which now could not be resolved using a chemical or substance. It had to be "au naturel".
An so after numerous days, weeks, months, years, decades we come to "Present Moment". I believe that I have caused myself so much agony over the last decades that at least in this present moment I am cognizant of my honesty, rigorous or otherwise, being a manifestation of the Divine within me. I can only be honest in this present moment and I can only touch my God in this present moment. so finally I have a grasp of what it takes to be honest in life. Not any type or form of honesty, just honest.
It takes a continuous day by day, breath by breath conscious contact with God as I understand IT. It takes every tool, every suggestion ever honest moment I have to bring about this natural process of being honest. For this I am truly grateful. Do I slip? Yes. do I like that? Absolutely not. Do I treat it very much like taking a drink of alcohol? Totally! Any deviation from my God is in fact in my mind a drunken spree of a short or long duration. Spiritual and emotional sobriety depend totally on me Being. Honesty absolutely depends on me totally Being. There is no other process in life, only Being One with The One. As that occurs all things great and small become manifest in my life. Honest, they do.
Love and Light,
richard
Saturday, March 19, 2011
The difference between "being used" and "feeling used"
During those days, months and years, that I was actively pursuing my disease on a daily basis, so many times I would end up feeling used and abused. It was not uncommon for my head to tell me that "I was being taken advantage of" or "how someone was treating me as a fool". These types of thoughts were the way my persona got permission from my brain to go on yet another bender of some sort. Great excuse system for a drunk.
When I was feeling very insecure and at times very paranoid, the feelings of being used were nearly overwhelming. This just created more negativity deep within me. It was like a vicious circle. Like a squirrel cage treadmill, I just did not know how to stop the merry go round.
Today by changing many of my persona characteristics I now know the feeling of "being used". Being used by the Power of the Universe, by friends and loved ones seeking help, by the world at large by accepting my never ending love for them. This feeling of being useful is actually very cool and quite a great uplifting feeling for me. The difference being, I submit myself to the process of the "Life" and get used for Its Highest Good. I used to fight and not submit anything to anybody at anytime and that result was I got used and abused.
So today the key for me to continue to; "practice these principles in all my affairs" is submitting my will to The Universe. The Universe aka "Power Greater than Myself"is that which is my own free will enables me to just give it up of my own free volition. Anything less that total submission for me is going to result in my feeling like I am once again being used and abused. Even for me this is a simple process to remember. Submit will, bask in sunlight of the spirit. Fight and do not submit and end up suffering at the hands of my own Egoic personality and fate I do not want to suffer again.
So for any of my friends out there, either known or not known. thank you for today and your sharing. I am thrilled to report that based on your sharing and your honesty I truly felt used today by God deep within me. I would not trade that for anything in the world. This feeling of "being a tool on earth for the Divine" is something no one could have convinced me of in the beginning of this journey through life in recovery.
The feeling or mental state of being used is far far greater than anything I had been promised by anyone in recovery and even than that stated on pages 83 and 84 of our Big Book....far greater. It is also a feeling that is worthy of my attention in the present moment each moment.
Love and Light,
richard
aka ezduzit777
When I was feeling very insecure and at times very paranoid, the feelings of being used were nearly overwhelming. This just created more negativity deep within me. It was like a vicious circle. Like a squirrel cage treadmill, I just did not know how to stop the merry go round.
Today by changing many of my persona characteristics I now know the feeling of "being used". Being used by the Power of the Universe, by friends and loved ones seeking help, by the world at large by accepting my never ending love for them. This feeling of being useful is actually very cool and quite a great uplifting feeling for me. The difference being, I submit myself to the process of the "Life" and get used for Its Highest Good. I used to fight and not submit anything to anybody at anytime and that result was I got used and abused.
So today the key for me to continue to; "practice these principles in all my affairs" is submitting my will to The Universe. The Universe aka "Power Greater than Myself"is that which is my own free will enables me to just give it up of my own free volition. Anything less that total submission for me is going to result in my feeling like I am once again being used and abused. Even for me this is a simple process to remember. Submit will, bask in sunlight of the spirit. Fight and do not submit and end up suffering at the hands of my own Egoic personality and fate I do not want to suffer again.
So for any of my friends out there, either known or not known. thank you for today and your sharing. I am thrilled to report that based on your sharing and your honesty I truly felt used today by God deep within me. I would not trade that for anything in the world. This feeling of "being a tool on earth for the Divine" is something no one could have convinced me of in the beginning of this journey through life in recovery.
The feeling or mental state of being used is far far greater than anything I had been promised by anyone in recovery and even than that stated on pages 83 and 84 of our Big Book....far greater. It is also a feeling that is worthy of my attention in the present moment each moment.
Love and Light,
richard
aka ezduzit777
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